Director: Guillermo del Toro
Year: 2008
Genre: Action / Adventure / Fantasy
Notable Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor
Netflix Link: Hellboy2: The Golden Army
Quote to Note: I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor.
Review: Hellboy 2 tries to tell us the world would be in worse shape if the wonderful and unique things in it disappeared. Unfortunately it tries to relay this message without a single fucking boat. You will watch this film unfold in complete awe as you wait for each scene to develop and you wait in anticipation for the next beautiful set piece. The problem is, you are not guided through these scenes on a river ferry, your forced to watch them as they unfold on land. The film would be magical if it occurred on the open sea. If only the director would have replaced New York City with the Pacific Ocean....
It would have been breathtaking to see Hellboy leading the fight against evil with his shirt off and looking stunning as the captain of a galleon. His bulging muscles would excite the male viewers in ways they wouldn't understand. They could have had a scene where he is in his bedroom and he invites one of the navigators in to review the coordinates of the male-filled enemy vessel. And just when they were about to...
Fuck off. There were no boats in this film. A fantastic film ruined by the lack of my ideas. Patrick Swayze must be rolling on his death bed.
Score:
(9.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)
Thank god they went with a colon instead of a hyphen for the title or this thing would have been down to a sinlge swayze head.
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