Movie Review: Boy Eats Girl

Boy Eats Girl
Director: Stephen Bradley
Year: 2005
Genre: Horror / Comedy
Notable Cast: David Leon, Samantha Mumba, Tadhg Murphy
Netflix Link: Boy Eats Girl
Quote to Note: Shit. Someone Ate Her Arm.






Review: If you were trying to escape the zombie holocaust how would you do it? By boat of course! I mean think about it. Zombies move slowly so there is no way they could possibly swim effectively. Or would they float? If zombies could float there would be no need for them to swim. They could just methodically make their way through the waves until they reached their destination. Hmmm. Maybe sailing away from zombies wouldn't be the best way to make your final escape. Oh well. That didn't happen in this film. Although, there were a assload of boats in this film.


Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Hatchet

Hatchet
Director: Adam Green
Year: 2006
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd
Netflix Link: Hatchet
Quote to Note: She tried to bite my sack off!






Review: This movie was labeled as "old school 80's horror". It definitely had that feel right from the start with lots of stupid young people and a load of topless ladies. Unfortunately that is all this movie had in common with the movies I grew up with. There is nothing scary about a retarded redneck that looks and moves like a giant Man-at-Arms figure. This movie shits on the faces of movies like Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween. Oh yeah, there were boats, but with a movie like this, who gives a shit.

I'm giving this film one head for the abundance of milk guns.

Score:
(1 Nolte Head out of 10)

Movie Review: Dead & Breakfast

Dead & Breakfast
Director: Matthew Leutwyler
Year: 2004
Genre: Horror / Comedy
Notable Cast: Ever Carradine, Bianca Lawson, Oz Perkins
Netflix Link: Dead & Breakfast
Quote to Note: That frog, he wasn't liked much around here, covering up the true nature of food with his special sauces and whatnot.






Review: I can't get enough of the shambling undead. Those silly reanimated cannibals make me laugh no matter what the setting. It used to be disturbing to see a family member or close friend come back to life with an unwavering bloodlust, but nowadays it's just downright funny when your mother comes back to life and bites off your member.

Bed & Breakfast's story follows in the footsteps of films like Evil Dead and Dead Alive (there is even an Evil Dead poster in the closet of the house this takes place in). There is an Asian ritual that is performed to trap a soul which is then unleashed on an unsuspecting backwoods town. The person who is possessed by this spirit is then able to create his own army of undead rednecks to terrorize the young people who are just passing through.

The town-wide slaughter begins quickly and lots of gore is involved. Loss of limbs, flesh-eating, decapitations and general undead tomfoolery. It all culminates in a complete bloodbath at the entitled Bed & Breakfast. Unfortunately, they couldn't tie it all together by having the remaining survivors leave the town via boat instead of a Winnebago. Bring on the senseless slaughter!


Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Quarantine

Quarantine
Director: John Erick Dowdle
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
Notable Cast: Jennifer Carpenter, Jay Hernandez, Johnathon Schaech
Netflix Link: Quarantine
Quote to Note: So, let's just pretend you are five years old and on fire.






Review: If you can't handle shaky cam avoid this movie. There are some scenes near the end of the film where it is next to impossible to figure out where they are, what is going on, and why you are watching. I thought I saw a picture of a boat during one of the excessively shaky scenes, but it turned out to be rat turds floating in a dog bowl. I think.

The reason for the quarantine is some mutated form of rabies that is spreading through this apartment complex and turning the inhabitants into low-level zombies. They know it is "rabies-like" thanks to a veterinarian who lives in the apartment complex. He gives them the details about rabies like how you contract it, how it spreads, how they test for it, and then goes on to be one of the first assholes to get bitten. After that, chaos ensues inside these claustrophobic walls until the main character stumbles on the room where all this shit started. There are a bunch of newspaper clippings on the wall telling about a doomsday cult inventing this stupid virus to rid the world of people. They apparently didn't think this dastardly plan through very well since their super-disease ends up killing about 12 people before it is all said and done.

While the story is contrived and has been done a million times before (and done much better), there are a few scenes that are purely disgusting and uncomfortable to watch. In the one scene they take a live brain sample via electric drill. The gore level is decent, but the pain of the situation is what makes it so gruesome. I had to watch that scene multiple times so I could see what I must look like on my sofa watching this awful piece of shit.


Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Where the Wild Things Are (Incomplete)

Where the Wild Things Are


Director: Spike Jonze
Year: 2009
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
Notable Cast: Catherine Keener, Mark Ruffalo, James Gandolfini, Max Records
Netflix Link: Where the Wild Things Are
Quote to Note: I put the holes in the trees.


Review: I will preface this review by mentioning that I did not see the entire film. My 3 year old did not want to stay for the end of the movie because he was bored. But don't take that as a bad thing. This is a very good movie, just not for kids. I would also like to mention that I am extremely worried about the amount of kids movies we are reviewing on this site and I plan to change that over the next few days. We are not pedophiles. At least, I don't think we are.

Anyway, on to the important stuff. I know what you're thinking. "Are there boats in this movie?" Of course there are. How else would you get to where the fucking wild things are?

Score:
(7.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Director: Phil Lord, Chris Miller
Year: 2009
Genre: Family
Notable Cast: Bill Hader, Anna Faris
Quote to Note: Come on, Steve. We've got a diem to carpe!

Review: Food and boats go together. I love to rip into a double handful of store brand pop tarts while watching the sun rise over Staten Island. Hammer the throttles wide open just to get the feel of the water under me. Beautiful. Sometimes I get little queasy though. I don’t usually go to children’s movies, but I figured why not. This one is about food raining from the sky on an island. I asked myself, how will people travel to this island? …. That’s right, boats. Or hovercraft. Plus my only other plans on Saturday were to work on my woman suit and frankly it’s turning out to be more effort than I thought it would be.

This movie is way too scary for any kid under 18. My daughter was petrified for the whole second half. It was like an animated cross between the Shining and Alien. And all the jokes were over her head. Don’t insult my daughter with your high-brow humor. But at the very end… (spoiler text! Highlight it to view!!) All the PEople make BOATS out of giaNt sandwIcheS! And for that I give this movie nine heads. RIP Patrick Swayze.



Score:
(9 Heads out of 10)