Happy Fucking Birthday Nick

Happy motherfucking birthday Mr. Nick Nolte.  

I want to tell you a small story I have about Mr. Nick. 

 It was about two years ago.  I was in California to see what everyone kept raving about this "awesome" weather.  Well, it was a Tuesday, the sun was beating down on me like a husband on a wife in Alabama.  I was dripping, sweating through my shirt, so I went to go find some air conditioning.  As I was on this hunt, I applied some chapstick and got laughed at by some queer ass, low pants wearing, fucks on skateboards drinking Voss water.  I ignored them and then walked about 20 yards and out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of this gleaming neon in red white and blue.  I turn to look at it, PBR.  I ventured into the bar, and right to the bathroom to take off my shorts and shirt and sit in the stall to cool off.  As I'm sitting in there, a man walks in and is on his cell phone.  He was screaming violently into this phone and then I hear a pause.  Next thing I hear is "FUCK" and a loud crash against the wall.  So I walk out of the stall to see what was up, forgetting to put my sweat soaked clothes on.  It was Nick Nolte, he takes one look at me and says "Move, you creepy ass fucking shitclown" and then walked out.

Movie Review: 50/50

50/50

Director: Jonathan Levine
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogan
Netflix Link: 50/50
Quote to Note: No one wants to fuck me.  I look like Voldemort





Review:  First thing I would do if I found out I had cancer would go off and buy a sweet boat and then sail to one of Nicholas Cage's islands and then proceed to poop in the lagoon.  For all we know I could have cancer, I haven't been to a doctor in at least 10 years.  Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) did not.  Shame on you cancer boy.   Kyle (Seth Rogan), awesome friend for getting your best friend to shave his head with your ball fro shaver.  Props, that is a goal of mine. 

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity 3

Paranormal Activity 3

Director:Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Chloe Csengery, Jessica Tyler Brown, Christopher Nicholas Smith
Netflix Link: Paranormal Activity 3
Quote to Note: You're never gonna see anyone play bloody mary like I'm about to play bloody mary. 

Movie Review: Midnight In Paris

Midnight In Paris

Director: Woody Allen
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams
Netflix Link: Midnight In Paris
Quote to Note: Picasso only thinks women are to sleep with, or to paint

Movie Review: The Men Who Stare at Boats

The Men Who Stare at Boats

Director: Grant Heslov
Year: 2009
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey, Goats
Netflix Link: The Men Who Stare at Boats
Quote to Note: I drink. And I find classic rock helps.

The Human Centipede II (Second Sequence)

Director: Tom Six
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Laurence Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie
Netflix Link: The Human Centipede II (Second Sequence)
Quote to Note: Oh, I'd rather fuck that retarded boy, but this'll do

Movie Review: Final Destination 5

Final Destination 5

Director: Steven Quale
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher
Netflix Link: Final Destination 5
Quote to Note: Sweetie, its not fat.  They're called tits.

Movie Review: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

Director: Alex Gregory, Peter Huyck
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Jason Sudeikis, Tyler Labine, Leslie Bibb
Netflix Link: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
Quote to Note: What the fuck are you doing with a rope on your cock at my wedding?

Movie Review: Warrior

Warrior

Director: Gavin O'Connor
Year: 2011
Genre: Action/Drama
Notable Cast: Nick Nolte
Netflix Link: Warrior
Quote to Note: Must be tough to find a girl who could take a punch nowadays

Movie Review: The Inbetweeners Movie

The Inbetweeners Movie

Director: Ben Palmer
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: 4 British kids
Netflix Link: Find it illegally
Quote to Note: So smelling like an industrial accident in a Lynx factory, and looking like the worlds shittest boy band, we hit the town.

Movie Review: Hanna

Hanna

Director: Joe Wright
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Saorise Ronan, Eric Bana
Netflix Link: Hanna
Quote to Note: Kissing requires a total of 34 facial muscles, and 112 postural muscles.  The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris muscle, because it is used to pucker the lips. 

Movie Review: American Psycho

American Psycho

Director: Mary Harron
Year: 2000
Genre: Comedy/Thriller
Notable Cast: Christian Bale, Jared Leto
Netflix Link: American Psycho
Quote to Note: I'm on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Espace, since I'm positive we won't have a decent table.  But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave.


Review: It is clear throughout this movie that the smartest and most desirable person in it is Paul Allen (Jared Leto).  After Allen gets murdered to the delightful tunes of Huey Lewis and the News, we find out through Bateman (Christian Bale), that he was hanging out at the yacht club.  Yes, the yacht club and the only form of boat seen or mentioned.  Where the fuck was that scene in this amazingly ironic movie that is essentially about face moisturizer and business cards.  I want to leave you with one of the greatest scenes in a movie ever.  If you don't think its funny, go fuck yourself, and don't do it while listening to Sussudio, I love that song.  

Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Director: Rupert Wyatt
Year: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller
Notable Cast: James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow
Netflix Link: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Quote to Note: Caesar is home

Review: Does Hollywood like wasting tons of money?  They could have saved a shit load of dollar bills by taking a camera to downtown Detroit, sat there for a few days and BAM, fucking movie.  Sure, the apes in it wouldn't have been as smart, but it would have been cost effective.  They may have even seen a boat or two with the great lakes around as well.

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Winter's Bone

Winter's Bone

Director: Debra Granik
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Thriller
Notable Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt, Sherryl Lee
Netflix Link: Winter's Bone
Quote to Note: I said shut up once already with my mouth!

Review: Let me tell you how disappointed I was to find out this wasn't a porn of Old Man Winter fucking chicks till they froze to death. With a name like Winter's Bone and all. But what the hell, how bad could it be? There's a boat on the cover.

Also, I was glad to see a dog taking a piss, theres definitely not enough movies with that in it. Someone should start a movie review site that lets us know if a four-legged creature relieves itself. I'd call it Feral Urination Reviews or FUR. That would be great.

3:47 - Yellow Labrador Retriever squatting

Multiple boats at the horse stables. Apparently boating and horse riding aren't only for the rich and famous because these people are fucking dirt poor.

1:22:08 - they are getting in a rowboat

 
And then something I wasn't expecting. Boats and chainsaws. It was marvelous.

Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)