Movie Review: Gran Torino

Gran Torino

Director: Clint Eastwood
Year: 2008
Genre: Crime / Drama
Notable Cast: Clint Eastwood, Christopher Carley, Bee Vang
Netflix Link: Gran Torino
Quote to Note: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

Review: Well if you are hard up for some ethnic slurs, this is the movie for you. I mean I have not heard this many racial epithets since All in the Family went off the air. Oh yeah the movie, well there were no boats. Enough said. Actually there was what could potentially be construed as a road boat, but just not the same thing. Lots of gangs, lots of tools, and some shooting.





Score:
(5.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Director: Guillermo del Toro
Year: 2008
Genre: Action / Adventure / Fantasy
Notable Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor
Netflix Link: Hellboy2: The Golden Army
Quote to Note: I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor.

Review: Hellboy 2 tries to tell us the world would be in worse shape if the wonderful and unique things in it disappeared. Unfortunately it tries to relay this message without a single fucking boat. You will watch this film unfold in complete awe as you wait for each scene to develop and you wait in anticipation for the next beautiful set piece. The problem is, you are not guided through these scenes on a river ferry, your forced to watch them as they unfold on land. The film would be magical if it occurred on the open sea. If only the director would have replaced New York City with the Pacific Ocean....

It would have been breathtaking to see Hellboy leading the fight against evil with his shirt off and looking stunning as the captain of a galleon. His bulging muscles would excite the male viewers in ways they wouldn't understand. They could have had a scene where he is in his bedroom and he invites one of the navigators in to review the coordinates of the male-filled enemy vessel. And just when they were about to...

Fuck off. There were no boats in this film. A fantastic film ruined by the lack of my ideas. Patrick Swayze must be rolling on his death bed.




Score:
(9.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Funny People

Funny People
Director: Judd Apatow
Year: 2009
Genre: Dramady
Notable Cast: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen
Netflix Link: Funny People
Quote to Note: Fuck Facebook!

Review: If you watched the preview for this movie and thought it was funny you were right. The preview was funny. That was about it. This is your basic guy meets girl, guy cheats on girl, guy loses girl, guy misses girl, guy finds out he is going to die, guy tries to get girl back, guy gets better, guy doesn’t have sex with girl, just goes down on her, guy gets randomly beat up by an Australian nut, guy goes back to living the life of a spunk unhappy little man. Ok, so maybe I just ruined the whole plot for you, but what you gained is not having any need whatsoever to see this movie. There were no boats, a couple planes, but unless you are landing them on a river, it is just not anywhere near the same. The one redeeming quality this movie had was a cameo by Andy Dick. Any time you can have him in your movie you are doing alright. Bonus Swayze head for having Dick in your movie!




Score:
(4 Swayze Heads out of 10)