Movie Review: Carolina

Carolina
Director: Marleen Gorris
Year: 2003
Genre: RomCom
Notable Cast: Julia Stiles, Randy Quaid, Alan (Napple) Thicke
Netflix Link: Carolina
Quote to Note: Your titties aren't gonna stay perky forever!






Review: FUCK!!!!!!

Score:
(0 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Made of Honor

Made of Honor
Director: Paul Weiland
Year: 2008
Genre: RomCom
Notable Cast: Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, Sydney Pollack
Netflix Link: Made of Honor
Quote to Note: Perfect timing, I just finished working on his balls.
Quote to Note 2: 3 a week, with a bi-monthly BJ.





Review: Let me set the stage for the plot of this film: a guy is the made of honor in a wedding. That may be the most thought provikng and in-depth concept in the history of Holllywood. How can this movie not be Oscar worthy? You know the rest of the story. In fact, you've seen this movie countless times already. Man-of-the-minute from a shitty TV show gets to be in a shitty movie.

Can you believe that there are two cast members from Grey's Anatomy in this movie? If you've never experienced the colonoscopy that is Grey's Anatomy you're lucky. For those of you that have witnessed Grey's Anatomy in all it's glory you know what to expect. A frontal lobotomy delivered via Patrick Dempsey's pelvis. Remember GA Fans, this is the same half-wit who was in Can't Buy Me Love.

Fortunately, there were boats in this movie. 13 to be exact. I can't tell if some of the boats were the same boats just in different scenes, but 13 rowboats is quality representation of the most important part of film-making.

FUCK!!! I just lost every shred of dignity that I had left. Don't get confused by the fact that there are a few decent quotes in this movie, it truly is worse than a raging fit of steatorrhea. In fact, I would like to quote this film again. "All of the semen in my testicles just dried up".

I need to go watch something for men immediately.

Score:
(1 Swayze Head out of 10)

Movie Review: Step Brothers

Step Brothers
Director: Adam McKay
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell
Netflix Link: Step Brothers
Quote to Note: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.







Review: Classic story. Hardworking man meets the broad of his dreams and plans to retire on a boat. Retarded sons destroy boat, man's dream. For your health, avoid this film.

Score:
(1 Swayze Head out of 10)

Movie Review: Mama Mia!

Mama Mia!


Director: Phyllida Lloyd
Year: 2008
Genre: Comedy, Musical, Romance
Notable Cast: Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan
Netflix Link: Mama Mia!
Quote to Note: You have a boat? Good get on it! And anchors away.

Review: There comes a time in every man's life when he must face his greatest fear. Luke did it in Empire, Adama did in BSG and Barf did it in Spaceballs. For me, that time came last night when I sat down to watch this movie. You see, Mama Mia! is what's known as a "musical". This means that for some inexplicable reason all of the key "plot" elements of the "story" are "sung" to "music". To me there is nothing more horrifying than a movie where there is singing...unless the movie is Shaft and the singing is about one bad mother f- shut yo mouth.
Anyway.
There's really no point in recounting the plot here because as I mentioned before they sang the whole goddamn thing. As such, you can't tell what the fuck is going on other than that there's a girl singing about her daddy issues. I'm pretty sure that Meryl Streep was also in the movie. She was trying to play a mom around the age of 47 but apparently at some point during one of the (I-wish-I-could-stab-out-my-eyes) song and dance numbers she must have fallen into a time warp or something cause she looked about 74. In addition to Meryl Streep's dazzling turn as the Crypt Keeper, the film also featured Pierce Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan. Singing. Not good. For god's sake man, you were James Bond! You were Remington Steele! Show some dignity! Granted your were the worst James Bond other than Timothy Dalton, but still...you really need to show some respect for yourself.
The only saving grace for this disaster was that it featured a metric assload of boats. Both the opening and closing songs (please kill me) included a fancy row boat that's apparently all the rage with chicks who like to sing about their daddy issues. Also featured were:

-ferry boats
-motor boats
-sail boats (including a schooner)
The best and worst point of the movie came at the same time during yet another (please-take-my-godforsaken-soul-right-now) musical interlude where a bunch of lovely ladies and dapper young lads dressed up as sailors and danced around on - you guessed it - a frickin' yacht. I wasn't sure if I should weep for the crushed spirits of the actors that had stooped to work in this abomination or salute what appeared to be a majestic 156' sloop.
Oh yeah and all of the songs were by ABBA.

Score:
(2 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: District 9

District 9


Director: Neill Blomkamp
Year: 2009
Genre: Sci-Fi / Action
Notable Cast: Sharlton Copley, Aliens
Netflix Link: District 9
Quote to Note: Look, he's doing this one doggie-style.


Review: Wow! This film has it all. A deep, thought provoking story, action, humor, gore, and a ship. While it’s not the typical nautical variety it is a mothership. And it’s bigger than Megamaid.

One thing I wasn’t expecting was the insane amount of human chunks. I can’t even begin to count how many people get pulverized into piles of meat. Alien technology proves to be far superior to human flesh. Thank God for violence.

Don’t miss this film. An instant classic.

Score:
(10 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Timecrimes

Timecrimes
Director: Nacho Vigalondo
Year: 2007
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
Notable Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga
Netflix Link: Timecrimes
Quote to Note: Hector 3 told me.


Review: There are no boats in this movie. Fortunately there are boobs. Really though, how can you go wrong with a movie made by a man named Nacho? One of my favorite things in this film was the subtitles. Yes, this film is of foreign origin. There was one particular scene where they show a calendar up close and the month clearly says "Septiembre". The overanxious subtitler thought that it was necessary to put "SEPTEMBER" in big bold letters at the bottom of the screen. If you can't process that translation on your own, you may want to consider euthanasia. Thank you captain obvious. Overall this was a really well made little Sci-Fi / Horror film.

Score:
(7.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Special

Special


Director: Hal Haberman and Jeremy Passmore
Year: 2006
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
Notable Cast: Michael Rapaport,Josh Peck
Netflix Link: Special
Quote to Note: I have superpowers.


Review: Two movies in a row for me with no boats. I'd kill myself except I yearn for a seafaring vessel. I will try my hardest to watch a movie, TV show, or news report with a water craft ASAP. The one thing I can say about this film is it had a remarkable trailer. Unfortunately most of the movie was worse than dying. Every time a scene passed without a boat I punched myself in the nuts.

Great trailer, mediocre movie. Fuck off to directors who decide to leave out boats.




Score:
(3.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Gran Torino

Gran Torino

Director: Clint Eastwood
Year: 2008
Genre: Crime / Drama
Notable Cast: Clint Eastwood, Christopher Carley, Bee Vang
Netflix Link: Gran Torino
Quote to Note: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

Review: Well if you are hard up for some ethnic slurs, this is the movie for you. I mean I have not heard this many racial epithets since All in the Family went off the air. Oh yeah the movie, well there were no boats. Enough said. Actually there was what could potentially be construed as a road boat, but just not the same thing. Lots of gangs, lots of tools, and some shooting.





Score:
(5.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Director: Guillermo del Toro
Year: 2008
Genre: Action / Adventure / Fantasy
Notable Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor
Netflix Link: Hellboy2: The Golden Army
Quote to Note: I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor.

Review: Hellboy 2 tries to tell us the world would be in worse shape if the wonderful and unique things in it disappeared. Unfortunately it tries to relay this message without a single fucking boat. You will watch this film unfold in complete awe as you wait for each scene to develop and you wait in anticipation for the next beautiful set piece. The problem is, you are not guided through these scenes on a river ferry, your forced to watch them as they unfold on land. The film would be magical if it occurred on the open sea. If only the director would have replaced New York City with the Pacific Ocean....

It would have been breathtaking to see Hellboy leading the fight against evil with his shirt off and looking stunning as the captain of a galleon. His bulging muscles would excite the male viewers in ways they wouldn't understand. They could have had a scene where he is in his bedroom and he invites one of the navigators in to review the coordinates of the male-filled enemy vessel. And just when they were about to...

Fuck off. There were no boats in this film. A fantastic film ruined by the lack of my ideas. Patrick Swayze must be rolling on his death bed.




Score:
(9.5 Swayze Heads out of 10)