Movie Review: Pandorum

Pandorum

Director: Christian Alvart
Year: 2009
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
Notable Cast: Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet
Netflix Link: Pandorum
Quote to Note: Better than buttered dog shit.

Review: I'd like to go the Blandorum route with this review, but that wouldn't do this movie or any of us justice. I'd hate to spoil the plot so I will issue a warning right now that if you would prefer to discover Pandorum on your own skip the next paragraph. If you would like my full review, swipe over the text below.

[Begin Spoilers]

Are you fucking kidding me? You can't spoil this piece of shit.

[End Spoilers]

All jokes aside, here's the real premise. Two people come out of hyper-sleep on a spaceship. They can't remember anything because that is apparently a known problem with hyper-sleeping. They think they're alone so they decide to try and restart the ship. Deformed monsters show up and run and jump at high speeds. They hide from said monsters. Two more people show up with excessively elaborate blades and have a kung fu battle. They all join forces and hide from the aforementioned monsters. They swim in human excrement. Looks like the monsters have been fucking since they have babies. They meet in the bridge to hide from the monsters. It turns out they are really underwater in their spaceship because it crash landed over 800 years ago. They use the escape pods to get off the ship and they populate the planet Tanis with more assholes. So they can all hide from what now should be called sea monsters.

Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Hot Tub Time Machine

Hot Tub Time Machine

Director: Steve Pink
Year: 2010
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: John Cusack, Clark Duke, Craig Robinson, Rob Corddry
Netflix Link: Hot Tub Time Machine
Quote to Note: "It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. I love you buddy."




Review: Four guys. A hot tub. Time travel. Tits. Those four things are fucking hard to beat. They had the right idea of not fucking with the space time continuum when they realized they had entered 1986. Although, how in the hell could you do that when there is so much awesome shit going on, like ass kicking, band singing, and being suspected as communist spies! Cry your eyes out douchebag 80's song in the middle of the movie? That's right, Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight. What topped off the time traveling questionably gay movie? George fucking Mcfly. The only thing missing was 1.21 Gigawatts.


Oh quite possibly the best ending ever? The creator of Lougle on a giant fucking yacht with a crap load of chest hair.


Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Crazies

The Crazies

Director: Breck Eisner
Year: 2010
Genre: Sci-fi/Thriller
Notable Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson
Netflix Link: The Crazies
Quote to Note: "Boo-fuckin-ya"

Review: When I get to watch zombie-like movies, I get the kind of excited you get when penetrate your first woman. Well, that unfortunately didn't happen with this one. Mainly because there was no eating of flesh. That's what a zombie movie is right? Well I guess that's why this movie is called The Crazies and not The Zombies. Don't get me wrong though, this movie is full of excitement, in barely lit scenes. If it wasn't for Radha Mitchell's glowing blonde hair I would have thought Timothy Olyphant was two people. And for fuck's sake, will people read Zombie survival guides!? Joe Anderson's character (Russel) was the only fucking smart person in the entire god damn movie. He obviously watched Zombieland because he liked the "double tap". Other than that, I would have liked to see a few more fishing boats...maybe like an entire swamp filled with fishing boats to get my rocks off. Instead, we only get one...at the 20 minute mark.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Inception

Inception

Director: Christopher Nolan
Year: 2010
Genre: Sci-Fi / Thriller
Notable Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy
Netflix Link: Inception
Quote to Note: What's the most resilient parasite? An idea.

Review: It's hard to define perfection, but Inception comes close. The worst thing about this movie is the lack of nudity. It took me over a year to see The Dark Knight, but I didn't want to miss Christopher Nolan's follow-up. It's better in just about every aspect, except for the complete disregard for boats.

Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Bug

Bug

Director: William Friedkin
Year: 2006
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Ashley Judd, Ashley Judd's Tits, Bugs
Netflix Link: Bug
Quote to Note: Well, we're all from beaver, ain't we?

Review: Titties. If you ever wanted to see Ashley Judd's tits stop right here and watch the shit out of Bug. It's even better if you wanted to see Ashley Judd's tits right before she lights them on fire.

Score:
(6 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Road

The Road

Director: John Hillcoat
Year: 2009
Genre: Drama / Thriller
Notable Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Guy Pearce, Robert Duvall
Netflix Link: The Road
Quote to Note: All I know is the child is my warrant and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.

Review: It's hard to describe just how bleak this film is. It's not filmed in black and white, but it is grey. Everything is grey. If you've played Fallout 3 you kind of have a feel for what this movie looks like and how the characters the world is populated with act. The difference between this movie and Fallout 3 is the movie isn't funny. Not even a little bit. Cannibalism, and the complete and utter loss of humanity is what you can expect from people when the world ends. Amidst the amputees, cannibals, ghouls, and vomit there is a silver lining for the ladies. Man-ass, and a lot of it. Viggo is not afraid to turn the other "cheek". Anyway, if it wasn't obvious, this movie is not for everyone but it is stunning and unforgettable. The best way to sum it up is, when heaven turns to ash we'll be left with The Road.

Also, when the world ends, there will be an assload of ruined boats everywhere...

Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)