Movie Review: Pandorum

Pandorum

Director: Christian Alvart
Year: 2009
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
Notable Cast: Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet
Netflix Link: Pandorum
Quote to Note: Better than buttered dog shit.

Review: I'd like to go the Blandorum route with this review, but that wouldn't do this movie or any of us justice. I'd hate to spoil the plot so I will issue a warning right now that if you would prefer to discover Pandorum on your own skip the next paragraph. If you would like my full review, swipe over the text below.

[Begin Spoilers]

Are you fucking kidding me? You can't spoil this piece of shit.

[End Spoilers]

All jokes aside, here's the real premise. Two people come out of hyper-sleep on a spaceship. They can't remember anything because that is apparently a known problem with hyper-sleeping. They think they're alone so they decide to try and restart the ship. Deformed monsters show up and run and jump at high speeds. They hide from said monsters. Two more people show up with excessively elaborate blades and have a kung fu battle. They all join forces and hide from the aforementioned monsters. They swim in human excrement. Looks like the monsters have been fucking since they have babies. They meet in the bridge to hide from the monsters. It turns out they are really underwater in their spaceship because it crash landed over 800 years ago. They use the escape pods to get off the ship and they populate the planet Tanis with more assholes. So they can all hide from what now should be called sea monsters.

Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)