Movie Review: Dead End

Dead End

Director: Jean-Baptiste Andrea, Fabrice Canepa

Year: 2003

Genre: Retard Horror

Notable Cast: Ray Wise, Alexandra Holden, Lin Shaye

Netflix Link: Dead End

Quote to Note: But Mom there really is a cheese called dick cheese, the chinese make it.

Review:  Did you ever want to feel like that retarded kid in your high school?  Watch this movie.  The entire premise was butchered by the awesome directing and writing. The dialogue was fuckin retarded.  For fuck's sake, a kid rubs one out in the woods.  Not even nine playboy playmates having sex on 16 different kinds of nautical crafts could save this wretched pile of shit.  Now, I'm off to find some dick cheese.

Score:

(1 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

Friday the 13th

Director: Marcus Nispel

Year: 2009

Genre: Horror

Notable Cast: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti

Netflix Link: Friday the 13th

Quote to Note: They don't call me the "wood wizard" because I masturbate a lot.

Review: If you intend to grow weed this movie gives you the ultimate solution for protecting your crops. Get your very own Jason Voorhees. Anyone who goes near the pot plants in this movie gets destroyed. Jason is efficient, nasty, and very very retarded.

I feel I need to highlight the amount of boobs that are shown in this film. I think there are 6 boobs in total, but they are on screen a lot, including a boob and boating scene (which incidentally is my favorite type of scene and probably yours too if you are reading this site). The topless chick water-skiing eventually takes a machete to the head thus ending her aquatic fun. But don't fret, this isn't the end of the glorious watercraft scenes. Jason gets really pissed off and he starts throwing canoes. I'm not sure why, but he goes off with an all out fit of down syndrome rage. Did I mention he is retarded?

Score:

(7.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Pontypool

Pontypool

Director: Bruce McDonald
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Stephen McHattie, Lisa Houle, Georgina Reilly
Netflix Link: Pontypool
Quote to Note: Do we really want to provide genocide with elevator music?

Review: What would you get if you combined Pump Up the Volume with Dawn of the Dead? Something similar to Pontypool. To classify this film, I am going to create a new genre called Word-Horror. But before you question this new soon to be overused genre, let me state that Word-Horror has no relation to how hard it is to use bullets in Microsoft's Word Processing application (although it is terrifying). The premise is, that understanding the meaning of certain words and repeating them until you no longer understand, can spread a verbal-virus turning people into monsters akin to zombies. This is high concept shit and shouldn't be taken lightly. If this were a possibility, you could be eating your family for dinner just by reading this shitty review out loud.

Anyway, on to what your looking for in this review... There are no boats in this film despite it taking place in Canada, because we all know boats are fucking everywhere up there. Although, there is a line of dialog early in the movie that mentions boats. The main character states "Good, now we're both in the same boat" which is just as good as there actually being a boat.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Evil Dead

The Evil Dead

Director: Sam Raimi
Year: 1981
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, 1st Person Perspective of George Harrison
Netflix Link: The Evil Dead
Quote to Note: I'm gonna break your face!




Review:  What Sam Raimi failed to give you any retrospect on is that this film is the real story of George Harrison after The Beatles. As you can plainly see, the cabin they stay in is what Harrison bases the video of his 1987 cult hit cover song of Got My Mind Set On You. 
  
Furniture moves by itself, trees are alive and raping women, Deer heads smoking up.  


This is what George Harrison's life was like after the break up of The Beatles.  His Singles career was a direct result of the trauma he put people through portrayed in this film.  Also sad to say is that there are no "real" boats in this movie.  The only "boat" in this film unfortunately is the 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88.




Score:

(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Wicker Man (1973)

The Wicker Man

Director: Robin Hardy
Year: 1973
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland
Netflix Link: The Wicker Man
Quote to Note: Will you send a dinghy, please?

Review: This movie doesn't take long to showcase it's sea-faring vessels. Within the first 5 minutes there is a Monty Pythonesque discussion about dinghies which ends with men riding in boats. After my initial excitement surrounding the watercraft the movie turned dark. While the boat trip is occurring there is some of the queerest sounding music accompanied by shots of what I can only assume is a homosexual riding a horse. The candy shop in town makes chocolates and other sweets shaped like goat heads, while the photographer's shop contains a jar filled with dead grey skin husks that is labeled "Foreskins". All of this showcases that something seriously sinister is afoot. Outside of the local Inn there are tons of people fucking creating one of the largest outdoor orgies ever to be caught on film. And there are bushes and trees that have been pruned to resemble giant cocks of the earth. I was really struggling to summarize what I was viewing until....

....I saw the tombstone outside of one of the ruined churches. It reads, "Here Lieth Beech Buchanan, protected by the ejaculation of serpents". Now, while I did always favor snake cum to other reptilian seed I never felt like it was truly protecting me. Just like this film, it exploded all over my face but left me unprepared for the horrors that would ensue. And that is how I will remember The Wicker Man.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)