Movie Review: Alien

Alien

Director: Ridley Scott
Year: 1979
Genre: Science Fiction / Horror
Notable Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt, Ian Holm
Netflix Link: Alien
Quote to Note: Micro changes in air density, my ass.

Review: In space no one can hear you scream, but they can hear all the nautical terms being thrown around by every person in the movie. Crew, Captain, Ship, Vessel, etc. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an actual boat anywhere in this movie, and I looked long and hard at every scene to see if there was a hidden nugget anywhere. The scene with the boobies taped up all over inside the one cabin, not a single boat in any of those tit pictures. But I did enjoy staring at them in glorious slow motion hoping to find a boat behind each nipple.

Despite all of the boatsmithing dialog and lack of actual watercraft, this is a terrific film. It's as terrifying as it is tense. The human element of the characters really makes it shine. And Ridley Scott's pacing is spot on. They go back to the lets go look for the fucking cat well too many times which costs it half a Nolte Head. Otherwise, its hard to find a flaw even after 32 years of newer killer alien films (including the other films in this series).

Score:
(9.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Unstoppable

Unstoppable
Director: Tony Scott
Year: 2010
Genre: Action, Thriller
Notable Cast: Denzel Washington, Chris Pine, Rosario Dawson
Netflix Link: Unstoppable
Quote to Note: Do it you pussy!! Jump in the back!!

Review: Boats, boats, boats, oh shit. Wait, no, trains, trains, trains. Alright. You don't get boats, you still get a sweet alternative mode of transportation though, AND if you pay attention closely during one scene as they are crossing, what I'm going to take a stab at is the Susquehanna river you can see two boats. FUCK YEAH!


At the end of this movie I literally felt like I just got done drinking 16 sugar free Red Bulls followed by half a blow job and then 9 more regular Red Bulls. This movie is fucking intense. If you have high blood pressure, you will die while watching this film. So go over to your VHS player and pop in a rerun of Murder She Wrote and jackoff to Angela Lansbury.


To top it all off, we all knew that the bully's sidekick, Frankie from Boy Meets World, would ALWAYS end up working in fast food. Here is your closure!!

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: I Spit On Your Grave

I Spit On Your Grave
Director: Steven R. Monroe
Year: 2010
Genre: Crime, Thriller
Notable Cast: Sarah Butler, Andrew Howard, Chad Lindberg
Netflix Link: I Spit On Your Grave
Quote to Note:  "Hey speakin' of retards" 

Review: My question to you is have you seen Deliverance?  If you have....this is kind of similar, just replace Burt Reynolds, his mustache, Ned Beatty, and that fuckin gay accountant with a smokin hot chick.  Unfortunately there is not as large of prominence of boats as there are in Deliverance.  Still, we do get to see some real nice fishing boats.  Thus, this is the boat return of 2011 for me.  


Plot goes the way of a writer (Sarah Butler) goes into a desolate area of some southern state to a cabin to write.  Well of course we all know when you enter the backwoods of a southern state, your going to encounter some redneck, family fucking retards.  Thats what has happened.  Well, a couple "squeal like a pigs," or in this movie "winny like a horse" and you have yourself a good flick.  


My one main problem with this movie is the douche that carries around a video camera filming EVERYTHING!  Did this fucking queer just stumble to the nearest town with working internet and discover YouTube?  I enjoyed his death in this film, just wish I knew his YouTube channel.

Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dead Man

Dead Man

Director: Jim Jarmusch
Year: 1995
Genre: Western
Notable Cast: Johnny Depp, Crispin Glover, Gary Farmer, Lance Henriksen, Michael Wincott
Netflix Link: Dead Man
Quote to Note: What name were you given at birth stupid white man?

Review: A man from Cleveland is on a train. He is headed for the end of the line. They shoot buffalo from this train, a million per year. He arrives in the town of Machine which is coincidentally the end of the line. His name is William Blake. Blake is not Black. There is no job for him in Machine. He is a man no longer, now a fugitive. He doesn't smoke. William Blake is travelling with Nobody. Nobody talks loud, says nothing. Big George gets the shits. The fugitive, now a killer. Nobody leaves. They need a canoe. He acquires more of White Man's Metal. Nobody seeks out the great builder of sea canoes. William Blake sails across the mirror of water. He still does not smoke.

Watch the film. You'll understand. Maybe. Holy shit there are a lot of boats, including one on the cover.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dead Space: Downfall

Dead Space: Downfall
Director: Chuck Patton
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi / Animation
Notable Cast: Bruce Boxleitner, Jim Cummings, Kelly Hu
Netflix Link: Dead Space: Downfall
Quote to Note: Play the piper and lead this flock out of here before someone gets their nuts stomped on!

Review: This film is an animated prequel to the video game Dead Space, so keep your expectations low. Are there boats? Hell no! The movie takes place in outer space (they keep referring to it as deep space), so there are spaceships which will have to do. So, is the movie good?

Long story short, it's not bad. It is by far the most bloody, gory, and violent animation I have ever seen. Humans get ripped apart by alien monsters called necromorphs who appear to posses retard-strength. Seriously, decapitations, people split in half, sawing bodies apart, dismemberment, etc.

If you like the game you could find a worse way to pass 74 minutes. Try watching the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

Score:
(6 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Buried

Buried

Director: Rodrigo Cortés
Year: 2010

Genre: Thriller

Notable Cast: Ryan Reynolds (thats it)

Netflix Link:  Buried

Quote to Note:  "Your ransom video already has 47,000 hits on YouTube"

Review:  I am going to put the same amount of effort into this review as did the people that made this movie.  

The movie set?  Was probably made in Joe Blow's garage in 13 minutes.  The props?  Also found in Joe Blow's garage.  That was it.  95 minutes staring at Ryan Reynolds in a box.  Teenage girls like to call that a good Friday night.

What this movie lacked in boats, it did not make up for with anything else.  No cars, no goats, no other actors (besides voices), no buildings, no fucking scenery.  

Score:

(5 Nolte Heads out of 10)