Movie Review: Charlie St. Cloud

Charlie St. Cloud

Director: Burr Steers
Year: 2010
Genre: Chick Flick
Notable Cast:  Zac Efron, Charlie Tahan, Amanda Crew 
Netflix Link:   Charlie St. Cloud
Quote to Note:  If I was going to rub one out, I wouldn't do it in a graveyard, St. Cloud

Review:  Words cannot express how happy I am that this movie had 398 million fucking boats in it.  Otherwise it was highly gay.  Just like that DVD cover.  The majority of the watercraft's were sail boats, but there was variety.  Enough variety that I got more of a stiffy from the sheer amount of boats than I did from the leading lady (Amanda Crew).  Lets be honest, the only reason Nick Nolte is making 4 appearances here is because of the boatage.  Not in any way for the other content of the movie.  At all. Quality role for Ray Liotta, quality.

Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dog Pound

Dog Pound
Director: Kim Chapiron
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama
Notable Cast:  Adam Butcher, Shane Kippel, Mateo Morales
Netflix Link:   Dog Pound
Quote to Note:  Eatings like making love man, its a ritual.

Review:  What do they do in a juvenile correctional facility?  Make sure the kids behave properly?  No.  I believe what they do in a juvenile correctional facility, much like the one in this film, Enola Vale, is that they MAKE films ABOUT juvenile correctional facilities.  Yes, believe it or not, I think I'm right.

The lack of boats in this sucked balls.  I would have loved to try and see one of the kids escape from the facility in a little dinghy.  But I'll take people beating the shit out of one another if its all their gonna give me.  I actually thought Michael Vick was gonna make a cameo appearance in this one...

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Why Did I Get Married Too?

Why Did I Get Married Too?
Director: Tyler Perry
Year: 2010
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Tyler Perry, Janet Jackson
Netflix Link: Why Did I Get Married Too?
Quote to Note:  I need some crack

Review: Why did I watch this movie too?  Its a Tyler Perry comedy.  Fuck, I dont even think black people thought this was funny.  Janet Jackson doesn't even show some tits in this.  Why are black people even at the Bahamas?  They don't like water.  


They're in the Bahamas, of course theres fucking boats.  But who gives a fuck with this pile of shit.
 

Score:
(2 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Blooded

Blooded
Director: Edward Boese
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Nick Ashdon, Neil McDermott, Oliver Boot
Netflix Link: No Netflix as of yet
Quote to Note:  Mull, stag season, does a bear shit in the woods?

Review: Where am I going to go if I ever feel the need to hunt living people??  Mull, Scotland of course!  There you can go hunting humans, record the whole thing on video, leak it, AND get away with it all!  Well fuck, why wouldn't I go there to hunt people.  If I hate you, and you wake up in your underwear in a cold, wet, windy treeless area.  Look out bitch, because I'm hunting your ass. 


Boats? You say?  The first clip of the movie has a scene on some water with a sailboat....that seems to be being chased down by a huge ass freighter.  Go freighter!  fucking take out the people on that lowly little sailboat.
 

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Frozen

Frozen

Director: Adam Green
Year: 2010
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Shawn Ashmore, Emma Bell, Kevin Zegers
Netflix Link: Frozen
Quote to Note: "OK Lynch, What is the worst way to die?" "That's easy, the Sarlaac Pit."

Review: Almost this entire movie takes place on a ski lift, so there are no boats during the film's run time. But don't let that deter you. Before the movie starts, there is a boat because the company that produced the film is called "A Bigger Boat". So once they get the boat requirement out of the way we get to a really solid and tense horror film. It is perfectly paced and deals with scares that are realistic. You're not worried about the slasher who travels faster than humans, or the giant monster dead set on destroying the Earth. You are confronted with real human scares like dying in the wilderness or getting mauled by a pack of wolves (which happens to 2/3rds of the cast). The movie is bleak, intense, and works very well.

Bonus half-Nolte for the dude with the Twisted Sister shirt.

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Tron: Legacy

Tron: Legacy
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Year: 2010
Genre: Sci-Fi, Adventure
Notable Cast: Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde
Netflix Link: Tron: Legacy
Quote to Note:  Oh, Man!  Still rockin' the pager, Alan?  Heh, he he!  Good for you!

Review:  The Movie just ended.  I immediately hopped in my car and went to the hardware store.  Came back with a car full of white (or blue, looked more white to me at times) and red neon bulbs, oh and a mexican named Juan Miguel.  In the basement, I assembled my own 'grid' with the bulbs, and glued some on GI Joes, different colors.  I have battles, I mean, THEY have battles every night.  It gets intense some nights.  

After you get over the fact that once Sam (Garrett Hedlund) enters the grid, the only colors you will see are red, white, and black, its a damn good flick.  No Boats, but there are planes and cars that just form from neon.  So that's badass.  Also Olivia Wilde is hot.     
 

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Yogi Bear

Yogi Bear
Director: Eric Brevig
Year: 2010
Genre: Animation, Comedy
Notable Cast: Dan Aykroyd, Justin Timberlake, Anna Farris
Netflix Link: Yogi Bear
Quote to Note:  "Well you know Boo-Boo, I'm smarter than the average bear"

Review: I wasn't sure if I really wanted to watch this movie.  I mean, after all its Yogi Bear with a Ghostbuster and a member of N'SYNC.  Also it was getting an extreme amount of heat from comedians like Tim Heidecker on his twitter (@timheidecker).  So that there made me think twice, or seven times about watching it.  But then I said fuck it. 

Man was I glad i did that!  This movie is brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant.  It has boats, it has great acting, great VOICE acting, great animation.  This movie is a hidden gem.  The people giving this shit bad reviews must have had a bad experience with a picnic basket or something.  I watched it once, then IMMEDIATELY had to watch it again.  Social Network, Black Swan, Inception? Those movies suck porno dick compared to this.  I'm glad i took the chance to watch this, I really am.  Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo will always have a place in my heart, and now, so will Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake. 

 

Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)







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