Director: Tom Shadyac
Year: 2007
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman
Netflix Link: Evan Almighty
Quote to Note: I love you, I mean, I think we should hang out socially....I have a new ping pong table
Review: Yes, that is what you think it is. A giant fucking BOAT, and I mean GIANT. This movie is terrible, absofuckinglutely terrible. Who gives a shit about that! THE MAN BUILDS A BOAT. The ark built by Evan (Steve Carell) is majestic. The amount of times "boat" is said in this film made my dick hard. To witness a majestic wooden boat built from scratch made Morgan Freeman's dick hard, without viagra.
One lingering question though. No, not about God being black, he was wearing white. Cancels out. It was about 2 of each different kind of animal on the ark. This flood only took out a couple hundred homes. Why the fuck were there jungle cats and shit on the ark. I dunno. Oh well.
I cried when the ark crashed.
Score: 
(3 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Director: Duncan Jones
Year: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi
Notable Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Vera Farmiga
Netflix Link: Source Code
Quote to Note: Women always mess up my last name, i was with a girl the other night and she kept calling me getoff, she was like getoff getoff, i was like no its Denoff, Denoff...no no your fat and your heavy get off
Review: So this movie was just fucked. I thought of one way they could have improved it to possibly get me to like it.
They could not have actually filmed anything. Took a DVD case, slapped a big ass huge awesome fucking boat on the cover of it, or any boat for that matter. Then finally put a disc inside the case of Now That's What I Call Music Volume 698, and sold it in the $5 bin at Target. Not Wal-Mart, cause I don't go there, I'm white.
If that happened, definitely more Nolty heads.
Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Director: Jason Winer
Year: 2011
Genre: Piece of shit
Notable Cast: Russell Brand, Jennifer Garner
Netflix Link: Arthur
Quote to Note: You love horses. I don't trust them. Their shoes are permanent. Who makes that kind of a commitment to a shoe?
Review: I guess Jason Winer really wanted to ruin his career with one really bad movie release. Take a horrible script, probably written by this guy and add Russell Brand. That is a absolutely dreadfully lethal combination. Kind of like having the guy that invented the neck basket and the inventor of pajama jeans procreate (they're both probably guys).
I sure as hell hope there was a boat in this meat sack with all the money the main character had, it was too terrible to finish though.
Score:
(2 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Director: Tim Burton
Year: 1988
Genre: Comedy, Fantasy
Notable Cast: Alec Baldwin, Michael Keaton, Geena Davis
Netflix Link: Beetlejuice
Quote to Note: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough
Review: Well I could only go so long without non Keanu movies, and this one I saw for the the 20th time, needed a review. No boats unfortunately, but their car kind of turned into a flotation device in the beginning when they (Alec and Geena) DIE. We also did need a great movie for POST NUMBER 1 FUCKING HUNDRED. Thats right, 100 shitty ass reviews. You love us.
This entire movie could have been something completely different if and I emphasize IF, Alec Baldwin wasn't such a giant fuckin pussy and drove the car to the hardware store to pick up some things instead of Geena, his wife. C'mon now, they died because a woman was driving the banana on wheels Volvo and drove through a beautiful, probably a landmark, covered bridge. Ending their lives and handing their house over to Kevin McCallister's mom.
Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)
