Movie Review: Winter's Bone

Winter's Bone

Director: Debra Granik
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Thriller
Notable Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt, Sherryl Lee
Netflix Link: Winter's Bone
Quote to Note: I said shut up once already with my mouth!

Review: Let me tell you how disappointed I was to find out this wasn't a porn of Old Man Winter fucking chicks till they froze to death. With a name like Winter's Bone and all. But what the hell, how bad could it be? There's a boat on the cover.

Also, I was glad to see a dog taking a piss, theres definitely not enough movies with that in it. Someone should start a movie review site that lets us know if a four-legged creature relieves itself. I'd call it Feral Urination Reviews or FUR. That would be great.

3:47 - Yellow Labrador Retriever squatting

Multiple boats at the horse stables. Apparently boating and horse riding aren't only for the rich and famous because these people are fucking dirt poor.

1:22:08 - they are getting in a rowboat

 
And then something I wasn't expecting. Boats and chainsaws. It was marvelous.

Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Attack the Block

Attack the Block

Director: Joe Cornish
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy / Horror
Notable Cast: John Boyega, Jodie Whittaker, Alex Esmail, Nick Frost
Netflix Link: Attack the Block
Quote to Note: It smells like a shit did a shit.

Review: Ever wonder what would happen if aliens invaded your neighborhood? Do you think you would fight the feral beasts, or just cower in your home? What if you were in a teenage gang? Do you think you would just sit back and let the aliens mate and destroy everything you care for? What if some of your friends were mauled by these aliens? Do you find it annoying that I keep asking you questions instead of giving you a real review? Do you think that there was a boat in this film?

There wasn't.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Drive

Drive

Director: Nicholas Winding Refn
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Ryan Gosling, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan
Netflix Link: Drive
Quote to Note: Whats a Jew doing running an Italian shop?

Review:   Drive, a simple title, concept for a film with Ryan Gosling.  You are going to get lots of lady fans with him in the film, and gay male fans as well.  How do you get straight male fans? Add cars and give Gosling very few lines.  When the movie started, I thought I was watching Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, then as the movie progressed, I realized I was watching GTA: Vice City.  That was a great game, so I obviously enjoyed the copying.  Gosling was border line as creepy in this film as he was in Lars and the Real Girl, mainly because he didn't talk much, and wore the same nasty ass old shiny satin jacket in every scene.  Something Tony Danza would wear while he goes to hit on high school girls at Dairy Queen in his 1980 Firebird. 

The one thing that disturbed me during this film was that he was a driver, but didn't drive boats.  If your a good fucking "driver" you can and will drive boats.  Maybe that's a sequel.  Put Gosling behind a cigarette boat, I'll camp out in line with a fur hat on to watch that one.  

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Big

Big

Director: Penny Marshall
Year: 1988
Genre: Drama
Notable Cast: Tom Hanks, Elizabeth Perkins
Netflix Link: Big
Quote to Note: I wish I were big

Review:  Yea, I wish I were big too Tom Hanks.  Unfortunately Zoltar took that the wrong way huh, but I guess it did work in complete outlook of things.  Should have wished for a boat, because I didn't see any in your quest to get a large penis.  I am actually going to a New England Patriots game this weekend to see if their kicker Zoltan Mesko will make me big, I mean that has to be better than a machine you don't plug in right?  The name is close enough, I bet being real and an NFL player, be it kicker, but being a Patriot he might be able to get me one of Gronkowski's leftover porn stars. 

Finally talk about cougars, Elizabeth Perkins really likes them young, going after 13 year olds.  Possibly the inspiration for Jerry Sandusky? 

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)