Movie Review: Shutter Island

Shutter Island


Director: Martin Scorsese
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Mystery / Thriller
Notable Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ted Levine
Netflix Link: Shutter Island
Quote to Note: Why are you all wet, baby?

Review: The first scene in this movie is a boat. A ferry to be exact. It's delivering the main characters to the island. It's a glorious start to this movie. So glorious it made me reminisce about a memory long forgotten...

I was about 5 years old. It was 1981 and summer was in full effect. My family and I were at the local McDonald's enjoying a nice healthy meal. Living the American dream. We were outside on the McDonald's playground just after finishing our meal and I was having the time of my life. In my cholesterol fueled euphoria I decided I would stuff my melon in between the bars of the psychotic giant purple grimace. This medieval device was designed to have children stand inside of it and shake the living shit out of themselves. So here I am, skull jammed between Grimace's ass-bars, and this fat mongoloid jumps in and begins to send tremors through Grimace's bars so great that I think I may shit myself from the severe head trauma I am experiencing. I'm not really sure what happened after that, but it couldn't have been good. It's been bottled up until now.

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Up in the Air

Up in the Air



Director: Jason Reitman
Year: 2009
Genre: Drama / Comedy
Notable Cast: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman
Netflix Link: Up in the Air
Quote to Note: Think of me, as you with a vagina.

Review: Being a director snob I would have watched this movie even if the star was Kirk Cameron. Being a boat snob I almost had to pass on this film since it obviously takes place on airplanes and at airports. I'll sum up the film by quoting Jason Bateman's character:

"See this. This is the boat. Do you want to be on the boat? Get on the boat."

Agreed. Get on the fucking boat.


Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Trick 'r Treat

Trick 'r Treat
Director: Michael Dougherty
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker
Netflix Link: Trick 'r Treat
Quote to Note: Always check your candy.






Review: I had high expectations for this film before watching it. I thought it was going to be about a freestyle boat competition. The idea of checking out the sweet treats that were awarded for insane boating feats sounded incredible. Boy, was I disappointed.

The movie is actually a Creepshow-esque horror anthology. The story revolves around 4 intertwining stories that center on the traditions of Halloween. It goes on to explain how if you disobey these traditions you will be slaughtered by some sort of midget scarecrow. The scarecrow is creepy, but I find it hard to be scared of anyone under 4 feet tall. That being said, there are a few scenes which are worth seeing. Like the lesbian werewolf death rape featuring Rogue from the X-Men movies and my new favorite Halloween past time, carving severed human heads with my child.

*Watercraft did not make an appearance in this picture.

Score:
(5.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)