Movie Review: Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass

Director: Matthew Vaughn
Year: 2010
Genre: Action
Notable Cast: Nicolas Cage, Chloe Moretz, Aaron Johnson
Netflix Link: Kick-Ass
Quote to Note: Fuck this shit, I'm getting the bazooka!

Review: There is nothing more rewarding than watching a twelve year-old girl brutally murder people. And Nic Cage does a fancy job of raising his daughter to do exactly that, and he is fantastic. All you need to do is have old Nic play a weirdo and your movie is golden. Otherwise you end up with Ghost Rider or National Treasure. Although they do find an ancient boat beneath the snow in National Treasure which makes it worth watching over and over.

But I digress, back to Kick-Ass. The movie features awkward nerds wearing spandex getting the shit kicked out of them. I know, sounds a lot like high school except after you watch this film you still won't get laid.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Greenberg

Greenberg

Director: Noah Baumbach
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Comedy
Notable Cast: Ben Stiller, Rhys Ifans, Greta Gerwig
Netflix Link: Greenberg
Quote to Note: Dear Starbucks, in your attempt to manufacture culture out of fast food coffee you've been surprising successful for the most part. The part that isn't covered by 'the most part' sucks.

Review: I'm not really sure what to say about this film. I didn't like it, but I didn't dislike it either. The cast is great, but the story is non-existent like a midget's erection. The tale begins, meanders, and ends more abruptly than a teenager's first sexual encounter. And just like a premature ejaculation the movie leaves you feeling shameful, embarrassed, and dirty. If there were a boat in this film it may have earned another half-Nolte, but it still would have left egg on my face. Literally.

Score:
(5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Operation Endgame

Operation Endgame

Director: Fouad Mikati
Year: 2010
Genre: Action/Comedy
Notable Cast: Joe Anderson, Rob Corddry, Zack Galifianakis
Netflix Link: Operation Endgame
Quote to Note: "It was you, you had phone sex with the devil"

Review: I read originally who was in the this movie and i thought it was going to be like Hot Tub Time Machine mixed in with The Hangover. That's not what it was. After the first scene, I was basically cursing myself thinking it was a serious movie with Rob Corddry and Zack Galifianakis. Thank god was I fucking wrong. After the first scene, hilarity ensues. No, it wasn't in your face bullshit comedy that happens in all the other movies that these actors are in. It was absolute comedic genius. Every single line was perfect and the cunts that gave this shitty reviews didn't understand the comedy at all because it didn't slap them in the face with a 10in cock.

The plot is basically two government spy assassin teams (each team has at least one smoking hot chick) that basically turn on each other and the fucking battle royale of who can kill the the person with the most unusual objects begins. There are also two clowns at "corporate" that handle the mainframe and servers and are just watching the battle taking place between the two teams making sometimes queer chit chat, basically what Mystery Science Theater 3000 would do. There is a lot of unusually awesome gore, death by paper shredder, death by a putter, pencils. Not everyday objects like guns and knives.

I thought about possibly giving this a little less Nolte heads but I couldn't justify that because of the comedy. So you can either watch Zach Galifianakis not want to get in an arguing match because of his irritable bowel syndrome, or you can get irritable bowl syndrome....Your choice you fucking ginger.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Daybreakers

Daybreakers

Director: The Spierig Brothers
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill
Netflix Link: Daybreakers
Quote to Note: Living in a world where vampires are the dominant species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.

Review: Fuck tweens and their love of gay vampires. This is how our favorite nocturnal murderers should live, dominant! There is only 5% of the human population remaining and vampires are going bat-shit crazy because they are running out of blood. Along comes a hematologist vampire who devises a way to cure vampirism. The only problem is, why would anyone want to be cured? It's fucking awesome being a vampire. Anyway, they cure some people, some people die, some vampires die, and the movie ends.

Twilight fans should stop touching the tips of their penises together long enough to watch how manly vampires live. There's no glitter, thunderstorms, or baseball in this vision of bloodguzzlers. Just tits, blood, and violence*.

* boats did not make an appearance in this film.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Grown Ups

Grown Ups

Director: Dennis Dugan
Year: 2010
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade, Rob Schneider
Netflix Link: Grown Ups
Quote to Note: "Mommy, I want some milk."

Review: Okay, the cast here consists of 2 white comedians, a black comedian, a midget, and a douchebag. Now I want to make this completely and perfectly clear, not sure how else to do this. This movie was a complete and utter steaming pile of human shit, because it smells worse than animal shit. I would have rather watched Garfield the movie in Japanese with Japanese subtitles while sticking a 3ft tall bowling trophy up my ass.

If you have seen this movie and enjoyed it. Fuck You.

Score:
(1 Nolte Heads out of 10)