Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Movie Review: Final Destination 5
Director: Steven Quale
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher
Netflix Link: Final Destination 5
Quote to Note: Sweetie, its not fat. They're called tits.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Movie Review: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
Director: Alex Gregory, Peter Huyck
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Jason Sudeikis, Tyler Labine, Leslie Bibb
Netflix Link: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
Quote to Note: What the fuck are you doing with a rope on your cock at my wedding?
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Jason Sudeikis, Tyler Labine, Leslie Bibb
Netflix Link: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
Quote to Note: What the fuck are you doing with a rope on your cock at my wedding?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Movie Review: Warrior
Director: Gavin O'Connor
Year: 2011
Genre: Action/Drama
Notable Cast: Nick Nolte
Netflix Link: Warrior
Quote to Note: Must be tough to find a girl who could take a punch nowadays
Year: 2011
Genre: Action/Drama
Notable Cast: Nick Nolte
Netflix Link: Warrior
Quote to Note: Must be tough to find a girl who could take a punch nowadays
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Movie Review: The Inbetweeners Movie
Director: Ben Palmer
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: 4 British kids
Netflix Link: Find it illegally
Quote to Note: So smelling like an industrial accident in a Lynx factory, and looking like the worlds shittest boy band, we hit the town.
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: 4 British kids
Netflix Link: Find it illegally
Quote to Note: So smelling like an industrial accident in a Lynx factory, and looking like the worlds shittest boy band, we hit the town.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Movie Review: Hanna
Director: Joe Wright
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Saorise Ronan, Eric Bana
Netflix Link: Hanna
Quote to Note: Kissing requires a total of 34 facial muscles, and 112 postural muscles. The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris muscle, because it is used to pucker the lips.
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Saorise Ronan, Eric Bana
Netflix Link: Hanna
Quote to Note: Kissing requires a total of 34 facial muscles, and 112 postural muscles. The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris muscle, because it is used to pucker the lips.
Movie Review: American Psycho
Director: Mary Harron
Year: 2000
Genre: Comedy/Thriller
Notable Cast: Christian Bale, Jared Leto
Netflix Link: American Psycho
Quote to Note: I'm on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Espace, since I'm positive we won't have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave.
Review: It is clear throughout this movie that the smartest and most desirable person in it is Paul Allen (Jared Leto). After Allen gets murdered to the delightful tunes of Huey Lewis and the News, we find out through Bateman (Christian Bale), that he was hanging out at the yacht club. Yes, the yacht club and the only form of boat seen or mentioned. Where the fuck was that scene in this amazingly ironic movie that is essentially about face moisturizer and business cards. I want to leave you with one of the greatest scenes in a movie ever. If you don't think its funny, go fuck yourself, and don't do it while listening to Sussudio, I love that song.
Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Year: 2000
Genre: Comedy/Thriller
Notable Cast: Christian Bale, Jared Leto
Netflix Link: American Psycho
Quote to Note: I'm on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Espace, since I'm positive we won't have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave.
Review: It is clear throughout this movie that the smartest and most desirable person in it is Paul Allen (Jared Leto). After Allen gets murdered to the delightful tunes of Huey Lewis and the News, we find out through Bateman (Christian Bale), that he was hanging out at the yacht club. Yes, the yacht club and the only form of boat seen or mentioned. Where the fuck was that scene in this amazingly ironic movie that is essentially about face moisturizer and business cards. I want to leave you with one of the greatest scenes in a movie ever. If you don't think its funny, go fuck yourself, and don't do it while listening to Sussudio, I love that song.
Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Director: Rupert Wyatt
Year: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller
Notable Cast: James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow
Netflix Link: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Quote to Note: Caesar is home
Review: Does Hollywood like wasting tons of money? They could have saved a shit load of dollar bills by taking a camera to downtown Detroit, sat there for a few days and BAM, fucking movie. Sure, the apes in it wouldn't have been as smart, but it would have been cost effective. They may have even seen a boat or two with the great lakes around as well.
Year: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller
Notable Cast: James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow
Netflix Link: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Quote to Note: Caesar is home
Review: Does Hollywood like wasting tons of money? They could have saved a shit load of dollar bills by taking a camera to downtown Detroit, sat there for a few days and BAM, fucking movie. Sure, the apes in it wouldn't have been as smart, but it would have been cost effective. They may have even seen a boat or two with the great lakes around as well.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Movie Review: Winter's Bone
Director: Debra Granik
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Thriller
Notable Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt, Sherryl Lee
Netflix Link: Winter's Bone
Quote to Note: I said shut up once already with my mouth!
Review: Let me tell you how disappointed I was to find out this wasn't a porn of Old Man Winter fucking chicks till they froze to death. With a name like Winter's Bone and all. But what the hell, how bad could it be? There's a boat on the cover.
Also, I was glad to see a dog taking a piss, theres definitely not enough movies with that in it. Someone should start a movie review site that lets us know if a four-legged creature relieves itself. I'd call it Feral Urination Reviews or FUR. That would be great.
3:47 - Yellow Labrador Retriever squatting
Multiple boats at the horse stables. Apparently boating and horse riding aren't only for the rich and famous because these people are fucking dirt poor.
1:22:08 - they are getting in a rowboat
And then something I wasn't expecting. Boats and chainsaws. It was marvelous.
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama / Thriller
Notable Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt, Sherryl Lee
Netflix Link: Winter's Bone
Quote to Note: I said shut up once already with my mouth!
Also, I was glad to see a dog taking a piss, theres definitely not enough movies with that in it. Someone should start a movie review site that lets us know if a four-legged creature relieves itself. I'd call it Feral Urination Reviews or FUR. That would be great.
3:47 - Yellow Labrador Retriever squatting
Multiple boats at the horse stables. Apparently boating and horse riding aren't only for the rich and famous because these people are fucking dirt poor.
1:22:08 - they are getting in a rowboat
And then something I wasn't expecting. Boats and chainsaws. It was marvelous.
Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Movie Review: Attack the Block
Director: Joe Cornish
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy / Horror
Notable Cast: John Boyega, Jodie Whittaker, Alex Esmail, Nick Frost
Netflix Link: Attack the Block
Quote to Note: It smells like a shit did a shit.
Review: Ever wonder what would happen if aliens invaded your neighborhood? Do you think you would fight the feral beasts, or just cower in your home? What if you were in a teenage gang? Do you think you would just sit back and let the aliens mate and destroy everything you care for? What if some of your friends were mauled by these aliens? Do you find it annoying that I keep asking you questions instead of giving you a real review? Do you think that there was a boat in this film?
There wasn't.
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy / Horror
Notable Cast: John Boyega, Jodie Whittaker, Alex Esmail, Nick Frost
Netflix Link: Attack the Block
Quote to Note: It smells like a shit did a shit.
There wasn't.
Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Movie Review: Drive
Director: Nicholas Winding Refn
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Ryan Gosling, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan
Netflix Link: Drive
Quote to Note: Whats a Jew doing running an Italian shop?
Review: Drive, a simple title, concept for a film with Ryan Gosling. You are going to get lots of lady fans with him in the film, and gay male fans as well. How do you get straight male fans? Add cars and give Gosling very few lines. When the movie started, I thought I was watching Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, then as the movie progressed, I realized I was watching GTA: Vice City. That was a great game, so I obviously enjoyed the copying. Gosling was border line as creepy in this film as he was in Lars and the Real Girl, mainly because he didn't talk much, and wore the same nasty ass old shiny satin jacket in every scene. Something Tony Danza would wear while he goes to hit on high school girls at Dairy Queen in his 1980 Firebird.
The one thing that disturbed me during this film was that he was a driver, but didn't drive boats. If your a good fucking "driver" you can and will drive boats. Maybe that's a sequel. Put Gosling behind a cigarette boat, I'll camp out in line with a fur hat on to watch that one.
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Ryan Gosling, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan
Netflix Link: Drive
Quote to Note: Whats a Jew doing running an Italian shop?
Review: Drive, a simple title, concept for a film with Ryan Gosling. You are going to get lots of lady fans with him in the film, and gay male fans as well. How do you get straight male fans? Add cars and give Gosling very few lines. When the movie started, I thought I was watching Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, then as the movie progressed, I realized I was watching GTA: Vice City. That was a great game, so I obviously enjoyed the copying. Gosling was border line as creepy in this film as he was in Lars and the Real Girl, mainly because he didn't talk much, and wore the same nasty ass old shiny satin jacket in every scene. Something Tony Danza would wear while he goes to hit on high school girls at Dairy Queen in his 1980 Firebird.
The one thing that disturbed me during this film was that he was a driver, but didn't drive boats. If your a good fucking "driver" you can and will drive boats. Maybe that's a sequel. Put Gosling behind a cigarette boat, I'll camp out in line with a fur hat on to watch that one.
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