Movie Review: The Watcher

The Watcher

Director: Joe Charbanic
Year: 2000
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast: Keanu Reeves
Netflix Link:  The Watcher
Quote to Note: Fuck me running, hes got Campbell, TRACE IT

Review:  Cool Breeze Keanu film number two!  I have to mention this first.  The coast guard comes to save the fucking movie, and to pick up Keanu's charred body.  Last scene in the movie ends with sweet coast guard boat coming not to the rescue of a person, but to the rescue of the movie.  


Now onto the good stuff, Keanu Reeves of course.  This is what I learned about Keanu in this film.

• He's an intellectual 
• He's a gentle lover
• He's a very talented dancer, possible ballroom skills
• He loves music...namely Rob Zombie
• He hates New Jersey (as do I)
• He's a fuckin talented wheel man
• He has a background in parkour
• He is also a talented Pyrotechnic

ALTHOUGH, none of this mumbo jumbo should come as a surprise to ANYONE. 

Score:
(6.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Parenthood

Parenthood

Director: Ron Howard
Year: 1989
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Notable Cast: Keanu Reeves
Netflix Link:  Parenthood
Quote to Note: When your sitting in your Chevy and your shorts start feeling heavy, diarrhea diarrhea 

I'm going to start off by saying that I think the next few movies are going to dedicated to the great great actor of Keanu "cool breeze over the mountains" Reeves.  He has lots of movies, I'm not doing all or a lot.  Just a few.  Everyone needs a cool breeze up their ass every once in while.


Review:  I pretty much could have made this movie myself.  Hand me a camcorder any one will do because being made in 1989 it looked like a VHS tape recording.  I will then film either my family or just a random retarded family I find.  Insert a badass character in the mix, Keanu Reeves, and BAM fucking movie.  


Other than Steve Martin acting like a giant pussy, and Rick Moranis creating a monster (not a blown up child) the only thing this movie had going for it was a small role with cool breeze Keanu.  He had a bit of Bill and Ted action going on, AND he played a fatherly role as well as likable husband, boyfriend, friend, and drag racer.  As you will see, all acting roles mixed into one.  Played flawlessly.  


He must be going through an anti water phase because there are no boats in this film.

Also looks like i completely did this over the sucker punch review.  fuck me.

Score:
(5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: I Am Number Four

I am Number Four

Director: D.J. Caruso
Year: 2011
Genre: Action
Notable Cast:  Alex Pettyfer, Timothy Olyphant, Dianna Agron
Netflix Link:  I Am Number Four
Quote to Note: Redbull is for pussies

Review:  I am number 69.  My superpowers would be badass.  I would have a giant cock.  Wait, check that.  I would have two cocks.  On command I'd be able to fill empty pools full of semen with one load.  Instead of urine I would piss out Sam Adams Seasonal Ale (yes it would change depending on season).  Finally I'll have the ability to grow a fucking killer beard.  


Boats?  Third scene in the movie, small sailing boat, and a couple jet skis.  Huge start, letdown after that in the watercraft department.

Score:
(6.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Unknown

Unknown

Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Year: 2011
Genre: Thriller
Notable Cast:  Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones
Netflix Link:  Unknown
Quote to Note:  I didn't forget everything, I remember how to kill you, asshole.

Review:  Sadly, no fucking boats. What the fuck.  On the other hand, there was an elaborate fucking prank taking place in the film, and I mean elaborate.  Way too much thought and money was involved in this prank.  Seriously.  My idea of a good prank?


Steal some furniture from ones house, or some good shit, post it up on e-Bay.  Print out the auction, and tape it to their door.  They can buy it back if they want.  OR if you really wanted to get simple, just steal their fuckin toilet seat.  The prank in the movie?  Too much involved, shit gets complicated.  I'm simple minded maybe.

Score:
(6 Nolte Heads out of 10)