Movie Review: Trollhunter

Trollhunter

Director: André Øvredal
Year: 2010
Genre: Fantasy, horror
Notable Cast: Otto Jesperson, Glenn Erland Tosterud
Netflix Link: Trollhunter
Quote to Note: Why problem make when you no problem have you don't want to make?

Review: Well Well Well, A BOAT!  Not just any boat, one that carries people AND vehicles across bodies of water.  It was such a wonderful sight.  I actually paused the movie during the boat scene just to admire it a little.  

Alright, Jurassic Park hasn't got SHIT on Trollhunter.  You read that right.  Trollhunter is pure grade A badass.  You may be thinking to yourself, trolls? seriously?  Oh yea ass clown.  Trolls are awesome when done right, they were done right by the fuckin Norwegians.  One interesting fact I learned about trolls, they hate Christians and people that believe in god in general.  So, if you are an athlete or an actor that has ever won an award of any type and had to make a speech, chances are you will get beaten to death then eaten by troll if you are ever in Norway. 

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Beaver

The Beaver

Director: Jodie Foster
Year: 2011
Genre: Drama
Notable Cast: Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster
Netflix Link: The Beaver
Quote to Note: Can your mother stitch?

  

Review: It absolutely astounds me at how many films get made without involving boats.  It's such a peaceful, and artistic piece of "I'm so much better than you" property to have.  Although I did think I saw a picture of people on a boat in the painting in the bedroom at one point.  

Now Walter (Mel Gibson) goes almost the entire movie with a stuffed beaver on his hand.  I know I wouldn't mind having my hand in a beaver for that long.  Get it?  Well since the main character has been able to pull ass and lay pipe with a stuffed beaver on his hand, I'm going to give this a whirl.  I currently have a stuffed penguin on my hand and will do what it takes to see if someone will put out while I'm wearing it.  Also the douchey kid from the crappy ass Toyota Highlander commercials is not nearly as annoying in this film as he is in those fucked commercials. 

Score:
(7.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Good Time Max

Good Time Max

Director: James Franco
Year: 2007
Genre: Drama
Notable Cast: James Franco, Adam Bell
Netflix Link: Good Time Max
Quote to Note: What if I tell you all I like to do is watch soap operas and have orgasms

  

Review: We have a movie about two genius brothers (James Franco and Adam Bell) but by the looks of the cover  who wrote and directed this you would think its just a movie about James Franco.  What could go wrong, right?  Well when you have a movie about two geniuses and one of them is a doctor and there are no boats in this film, then fuck off James.  Genius, doctor, boat.  Those three words go together better than penis and vagina.  

Movie Review: Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo with a Shotgun

Director: Jason Eisner
Year: 2011
Genre: Grindhouse / Comedy / Romance
Notable Cast: Rutger Hauer, Pasha Ebrahimi, Robb Wells
Netflix Link: Hobo with a Shotgun
Quote to Note: You're so hot you make me want to cut my dick off and rub it all over your titties.

Review: This movie is really offensive. Not only do the villains blowtorch a school bus full of children while laughing, rip people's heads of with barbed wire nooses, and have naked women play pinata with a homeless person, but the filmmakers also had the nerve to put a ripped in half boat in the first few minutes of the film.

Of course as you all know hobos ride in boxcars, so that is where our movie begins. This old fucking bum rides into town on a train and wants to buy a lawnmower. For some strange reason he knows a lot about bears and likes to talk about them. He gets fed up with all the shenanigans and buys a shotgun instead of a lawnmower. You may ask where he got the $50 for a shotgun right? He got paid to break a bottle over his head and then chew on the glass. And you thought I was going to say he was turning tricks. Unfortunately not.

Anyway, he sets out to kill everyone with his shotgun and then demons show up. Not cool demons either. Shitty demons. He and the prostitute he is going to start a lawn mowing business with defeat the worst demons this side of hell and then he gets shot by the police. Then the townsfolk shoot the police. And then the director shits in your face.

See below for more relevant and real information about hobos.

As always, beware the hobos. Especially when they have a shotgun.

Score:
(6 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Your Highness

Your Highness

Director: David Gordon Green
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Natalie Portman, Kenny Powers, James Franco
Netflix Link: Your Highness
Quote to Note: If your vagina is anything like my hand, then there will be no problem

Review:   We love boats here don't we?  Well Your Highness had one scene with a boat.  I know, one lousy fucking scene.  Don't feel put back though, it was a wallpaper-esque scene.  I mean shit you would put as the background on your computer before you headed to Bed Bath and Beyond.  

I am really glad that Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel were in this.  I think what was missing though besides a good plot was a lesbian sex scene between the two.  That would have been quite the stimulator.  At least there was a nice shot of Natalie Portman's ass in a thong.  

Score:
(6 Nolte Heads out of 10)