Movie Review: Hall Pass

Hall Pass

Director: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast:  Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Pam Halpert
Netflix Link:  Hall Pass
Quote to Note:  Last night I fake chowed a DJ's mom

Review:   Do you like movies with more flaccid cock than tits?  Count it.


There is a picture of a dude with a boat.  That's all the boats.

Score:
(3.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: In the Loop

In the Loop

Director: Armando Iannucci
Year: 2009
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Peter Capaldi, James Gandolfini, Tom Hollander
Netflix Link: In the Loop
Quote to Note: I'm gonna take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know I was here.

Review: There is something incredibly funny about extremely foul-mouthed Brits. Every time Malcolm says cunt, fuck, or ballsack I completely forget that there are no boats in this film. I know the two people who read this horseshit are interested in hearing about boats in film, so if these boatless reviews offend you, you can go fuck yourself you stupid cunts!

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: I Love You Phillip Morris

I Love You Phillip Morris

Director: Glenn Ficara, John Requa
Year: 2009
Genre: Comedy
Notable Cast: Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Leslie Mann
Netflix Link: I Love You Phillip Morris
Quote to Note: Being gay is really expensive.

Review: I was very surprised to find zero boats in this film. Prior to viewing this movie I was convinced that 9 out of 10 homosexual acts occurred on, in, or around watercraft. Boy was I mistaken. Apparently gay activity happens everywhere, and it's rampant.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dawn of the Dead

Dawn of the Dead

Director: Zack Snyder
Year: 2004
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast:  Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber
Netflix Link:  Dawn of the Dead
Quote to Note:  The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up!

Review:   Boat escape.  Really doesn't get any better than that.  I love when the last scene in the movie involves a boat and an almost heart wrenching scene.  But lets get down to the serious shit in this survival horror.


The fucking mall security guards carry guns!!!  Is this mall located in downtown fucking L.A.??  Are the bloods and crips all up in this joint daily shopping for some new bling?  If you walk in to this mall wearing blue or red and are not white do they designate a strapped security guard to shadow you around the place so you don't walk up to someone and cut them?  I'm sure if you ever gave a mall security guard in this town a gun, they'd prolly freak out and say they don't believe in guns.  Fucking unstable malls, the sewers of America.

Score:
(8.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Salt

Salt

Director: Phillip Noyce
Year: 2010
Genre: Action / Mystery
Notable Cast: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Netflix Link: Salt
Quote to Note: "Why'd you kill him?" "Because somebody had to."

Review: I can't wait for the African American version of this film, obviously called "Pepper". I feel they need to avoid discrimination by giving all races a female spy film. They did it with the black Bourne Identity film "Traitor" starring Don Cheadle, so why not this film? Come to think of it, how fucking amazing would it be to have a black version of "Amistad"? There would obviously be boats, and there would be colored people whipping honkies so they would row faster. Pure genius!

On the subject of boats, there was an entire scene that took place on a barge. Also featured on said watercraft was a stereotypical scene of lots of Russians drinking Vodka. I applaud the filmmakers use of stereotyping to highlight how silly Russians are.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (Take Two)

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

Director: Eli Craig
Year: 2010
Genre: Comedy/Horror
Notable Cast:  Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk, Katrina Bowden
Netflix Link:   Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
Quote to Note:  OH! OH MY GOD! He chopped off his bowling fingers!

Review:   This is what happens because of stereotyping.  People die, if we didn't have stereotyping in the world today, people wouldn't die.  It's the sad reality of what world we live in.  I bet I could be friends with a terrorist looking fellow if we didn't have stereotyping. OR you could try and have sex with a greek girl without wanting to bring a couple razers and 3 cans of shaving cream.  See what it does to us!  Jews aren't really cheap.  Wait, yes they are.  Fucking stereotyping.  Hillbillies are just really laid back down to earth people and frat guys are really just plain old douchebags.  


Give some love for the fishing boat. 

Score:
(10 Nolte Heads out of 10)