Movie Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Director: Tom Six
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Dieter Laser, Segments A, B, & C
Netflix Link: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
Quote to Note: Shit! I have to shit!

Review: Apparently people have taken extreme offense to director Tom Six's creation. Maybe because I watch so many horror films I didn't find it that disturbing. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Or maybe I am just a genius who notices a solution to two of Earth's big problems (reduction of waste and obesity). Whatever the answer may be, sewing someone's mouth to another person's rectum is generally frowned upon. Except in Germany, where it is actually encouraged. But big deal. People get maimed, tortured, and raped on film all the time.

Here's how I saw it. Tom Six has just created one of the most efficient sewage treatment facilities with his human centipede idea. The main character Dr. Heiter, has effectively taken the feces of three people and produced just a single dump. Think of how much money could be saved globally if everyone just ate each other's fecal matter. No more wastewater facilities, less need for physical labor, no more pension plans for these workers, and most importantly a decreased reliance on farming.

It would also combat the global obesity problem. I think one could easily argue that the human race would be thinner if we implemented this system. I highly doubt anyone would be going back for "seconds" after eating the main course. Again, except Germans.

I am willing to split all proceeds from this major scientific discovery with Tom Six if any of this ever comes to fruition.

Also, please send me an email letting me know how this works out for you if you decide to try out this revolutionary idea. I can be reached at fecalfiend@gmail.com.

One last thing. There are no boats in this film, but I'm pretty sure the police's corpses in the swimming pool could be used as floatation devices.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Albino Farm

Albino Farm

Director: Joe Anderson, Sean McEwan
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Tammin Sursok, Chris Jericho
Netflix Link: Albino Farm
Quote to Note: Its just your boobs, its like letting them feel up your elbow

Review:   I have found the worst movie ever.  Didn't think I could.  In all seriousness I would have been much more entertained watching a homemade video of Whoopie Goldberg taking a shit.  Here are four notables from this crusty dumpfest.  They replaced the token black guy in the horror movie with a call center Indian guy.  Theres only one albino in it, and not on a farm.  Chris Jericho didn't suplex anybody.  Finally, there are no boats. 

Score:
(0.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Open Water 2: Adrift

Open Water 2: Adrift

Director: Hans Horn
Year: 2006
Genre: Thriller
Notable People: Eric Dane, Susan May Pratt
Netflix Link: Open Water 2: Adrift
Quote to Note: Who died and made you captain fucking Nemo!?

Review:   After I got past the ugliest human being ever being in a film, Richard Speight Jr., seriously, the dude is gross.  His nose and chin combo is just distraught, I realized Hans Horn is questionable in his boat enthusiasm.  He did some bad things and some very bad things.  Lets start off with the bad:

• None of the party members asked to come aboard the Yacht, disrespect
• Everyone was referring to the yacht as a boat
• At one point they tried defacing the yacht with a knife
• There was only one out of focus glimpse of female nudity, for 2/3 of the movie, every cast member was naked, only saw male ass. 

Now lets hear about the less bad, as for there really was no good in this film besides the beautiful yacht itself:

• The individual member that tried to deface the yacht was killed
• Richard Speight Jr. was killed as well
• Finally, the "owner" of the yacht was not really the owner, just borrowed it from his boss to get laid.  Good for him.

Score:
(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Blair Witch Project

The Blair Witch Project

Director: No director, its real
Year: 1999
Genre: Horror
Notable People: Heather Williams, Michael Williams, Josh Leonard
Netflix Link: The Blair Witch Project
Quote to Note: Lets not call him 'the captain' you illiterate tv people, it's 'the skipper'

Review:   The "movie" that took over the year of 1999.  To think three kids went out into the woods without a fishing boat (fucking retards) to try and find a witch.  Now I put "movie" into quotes because this was real, yup.  Some person later found the footage of the Blair Witch in the woods, I'm going to say it was a wandering fisherman with a boat.  Boats let you survive, fact.  He then submitted it to Hollywood and this became a "movie".  Now you might say, "BUT THERES A SEQUEL" no shit, asshole.  Hollywood loved this so much they made a sequel to it.  This one is still real.  These three kids are dead.  Dont believe the milk carton saying they are "missing" they're dead.

Closing statement:  Why would anyone 'cast' that ugly ass bitch as the lead? Real.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: ThanksKilling

ThanksKilling

Director: Jordan Downey
Year: 2009
Genre: Motherfucking Horror
Notable Cast: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova
Netflix Link: ThanksKilling
Quote to Note: I'm ready to see this cock burn. And by cock I mean a dick, not like the animal.

Review: Things I learned from this film:

1. It's only 66 minutes long.
2. Gobble Gobble Motherfucker! is the best movie poster tag line ever. EVER.
3. The first on screen image is a tit.
4. Urine reincarnates dead turkeys.
5. There are no boats in turkey terror.

Score:
(3 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Pet Semetary

Pet Semetary

Director: Mary Lambert
Year: 1989
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Dale Midkiff, Fred Gwynne, not Tony
Netflix Link: Pet Semetary
Quote to Note: Today is Thanksgiving day for cats, but only if they came back from the dead.

 

Review:   We all know the premise of this movie, there is a graveyard that brings pets, or people if you bury them there, back to life, to kill you.  Now what you would have noticed in this one, if you have the attention to detail like I do, is that a lack of love (and aggressive fucking tractor trailer drivers) killed the pets and people in this movie.  Rachel (Denise Crosby) the mother is as cold as they come in a horror movie.  You never see her caudling her own children, or have a facial expression other than a stone cold look.  It seems this is the actress that Kristin Stewart modeled her career after.  I actually think that Rachel wanted the little boy to die. 

Example 1:  When the family gets back from not seeing their father, the first thing Rachel says to Louis is "here take your kid"  She has no feelings for this kid.
Example 2:  When Gage is walking to the road that apparently has no speed limit, and has a tractor trailer barreling down on him at about 85mph,  Rachel can be seen screaming "GET THE BABY" "GET THE BABY" personalize it you bitch, its your own son.  His name may be reserved for only outcasts with flowing black hair that drive black muscle cars in high school sitcoms, but its your fucking son, not "baby".

I really don't blame Rachel for her lack of love towards the family, I'd be pissed too if my husband the doctor didn't own a boat.

Score:
(6.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)