Movie Review: Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Director: Joseph Guzman

Year: 2010

Genre: Comedy (contrary to what IMDB says)

Notable Cast: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Xango Henry

Netflix Link:  It's so bad its not even on Netflix

Quote to Note:   "I bet half you penguins are getting poked by the preacher"

Review:  Now there was not much a guessing game when it came to this movie, other than, is it a porno? No, it is not a porno. Does the title deliver? Yes, it does. Not a real large amount of creativity went into the title. To tell you the god damn truth (yes I just took the lords name in vain, but so do a couple priests in this movie so I think I'm gonna be alright) not a substantial amount of creativity went into the movie at all. Its fucking nude nuns, literal and figurative, with big guns taking out a drug reign throughout New Mexico? With bad acting, bad production, a lot of just dog shit. The most creativity came at the end, I'm going to spoil the semen load out of this movie for you, well because face it, you weren't going to watch this load of shit anyway:

When the vigilante nun gets revenge at the end on Chavo the gang leader, he is in the midst of rape scene #3 in the film, yes 3, and the nuns shoot his dick off. He then proceeds to pick up his dick and holds it while getting shot in the head.

Once again, I happened to have found a film with absolutely no remnant of our favorite mode of transportation. It lacks the nautical voyage transportation. Hopefully in the sequel. Which WAS hinted at in the fuckin end. Good lord, I cannot fucking wait. 

Score:

(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Home Alone

Home Alone

Director: Chris Columbus

Year: 1990 

Genre: Comedy

Notable Cast: Macaulay Caulkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern

Netflix Link: Home Alone

Quote to Note:   "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!"

Review: There are no sea farring vessels in this film.  There is only dream of them.  


Put yourself into the shoes of the now incarcerated retarded criminals.  You find a block in Chicago, where every family goes on vacation for Chris Kringles birthday, then flood their house because youre a complete idiot after you make a sorry attempt to rob them blind.  That is the perfect MO to purchase a multitude of boats and live where snow is a dream.  In comes the extreme stupidity of a couple of city folk clowns.


I was very very proud of Kevin here.  He tortured the shit out of these douchebags.  My first thought would to have either attacked them with the saw used to cut down the tree, or hide under the bed in the attic where there should have been a puddle of Fuller's urine, while they took my family's possessions.  


Kevin took the high road and made them his little bitches, with the help of a creepy old dude that does this for a living.  Supposedly.   


Although I really wanted to know what Kevin thought of that microwavable dinner, but we never got that far.   

Score: 

(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dinner for Schmucks (2nd Take)

Dinner for Schmucks

Director: Jay Roach

Year: 2010

Genre: Comedy?

Notable Cast: Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Zack Galifianakis, Jemaine Clement

Netflix Link: Dinner for Schmucks

Quote to Note: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."

Review: Fortunately for our two readers I am more highly trained in the art of boatography on film than my counterpart. DrunkPaper reported that Dinner for Schmucks is devoid of our favorite form of transportation, but this movie actually has two scenes featuring boats early on in the film. The first involves Barry the Retard played by Steve Carell. He creates "mouseterpieces" by using his taxidermy skills on mouse corpses and putting them in historically relevant situations. In one of these "works of art" there are two mice in a cheese boat (which is a new type of watercraft never discussed before on this site). Second they show a Swiss business man yachting.

On to the movie itself, sea-faring vessels aside, DrunkPaper was dead-on with his review of this stool sample. Dinner for Schmucks is a peanut lodged into the giant shit of life. It's inevitable that you will eat one, but damn it hurts when it comes out.

Sorry, this is the best picture I could find but I thought it was worth showing since we may never be graced by a boat of this type again.

Score:

(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Town

The Town

Director: Ben Affleck

Year: 2010

Genre: Crime Drama, Thriller

Notable Cast: Ben Affleck, Rebecca Hall, Jon Hamm

Netflix Link: The Town

Quote to Note: I don't like the guards on the next thing. You got McReady, who is a fucking combat soldier and tucks his fucking pants in his socks like he is fucking GI Joe.   

Review:  When you see the trailer for this movie you think "man, this looks like the fuckin tits!"  Then you check out the cast and director.  Then your thinking, "man, this is gonna suck more than the XFL"


Thats exactly what went through my mind and then add the fuckin Boston accents, I was waiting for  some wired jittery, red sox fan, that cant pronounce "Car" to get all upset over the color of the car that just passed them on the street.  Thats pretty much what I got, but to my surprise and probably Ben Affleck's, a good story to go along with it.  


I had to do some research on this place in Boston, Charlestown.  How come they couldn't get Howie Long to make an appearance in a movie that took place in his hometown?  Oh, thats right, Ben Affleck is a giant douchebag (for that matter, so is Howie Long).  Also the Wiki says that it's got a Navy Yard, if you have a god damn navy yard, insert more boats in the film.  

Score:

(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dinner for Schmucks

Dinner for Schmucks

Director: Jay Roach

Year: 2010

Genre: Comedy

Notable Cast: Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Zack Galifianakis 

Netflix Link: Dinner for Schmucks

Quote to Note: "Do you have any idea what it's like, Tim, to be up to your elbow in a zerbra's vagina? "

Review:  What is my favorite past time?  Hell what are most people's favorite past time?  That's right making fun of people.  Why?  Because some people just need to be made fun of and well cause its so god damn easy.  So this is why I need to send an application immediately to Fender Financial.  


This dinner where you bring a retard and have a vote at the end for the biggest retard is fucking genius.  Sure I did something along those lines in high school but it wasn't a dinner nor did anyone receive a prize at the end of the night for retardedness.  My main goal in high school was probably to see if we could get a kid to cry in front of bunch of people.  Success rate wasn't what I had hoped it could have been. 


 Everyone loves to make fun of people, why not do it together!  People have sex together (orgy, were talking groups here), so lets make fun of people together!


Were there any boats in this movie?  No, I'm not even sure I saw a picture of one.

Score:

(4 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Dead End

Dead End

Director: Jean-Baptiste Andrea, Fabrice Canepa

Year: 2003

Genre: Retard Horror

Notable Cast: Ray Wise, Alexandra Holden, Lin Shaye

Netflix Link: Dead End

Quote to Note: But Mom there really is a cheese called dick cheese, the chinese make it.

Review:  Did you ever want to feel like that retarded kid in your high school?  Watch this movie.  The entire premise was butchered by the awesome directing and writing. The dialogue was fuckin retarded.  For fuck's sake, a kid rubs one out in the woods.  Not even nine playboy playmates having sex on 16 different kinds of nautical crafts could save this wretched pile of shit.  Now, I'm off to find some dick cheese.

Score:

(1 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

Friday the 13th

Director: Marcus Nispel

Year: 2009

Genre: Horror

Notable Cast: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti

Netflix Link: Friday the 13th

Quote to Note: They don't call me the "wood wizard" because I masturbate a lot.

Review: If you intend to grow weed this movie gives you the ultimate solution for protecting your crops. Get your very own Jason Voorhees. Anyone who goes near the pot plants in this movie gets destroyed. Jason is efficient, nasty, and very very retarded.

I feel I need to highlight the amount of boobs that are shown in this film. I think there are 6 boobs in total, but they are on screen a lot, including a boob and boating scene (which incidentally is my favorite type of scene and probably yours too if you are reading this site). The topless chick water-skiing eventually takes a machete to the head thus ending her aquatic fun. But don't fret, this isn't the end of the glorious watercraft scenes. Jason gets really pissed off and he starts throwing canoes. I'm not sure why, but he goes off with an all out fit of down syndrome rage. Did I mention he is retarded?

Score:

(7.5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Pontypool

Pontypool

Director: Bruce McDonald
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Stephen McHattie, Lisa Houle, Georgina Reilly
Netflix Link: Pontypool
Quote to Note: Do we really want to provide genocide with elevator music?

Review: What would you get if you combined Pump Up the Volume with Dawn of the Dead? Something similar to Pontypool. To classify this film, I am going to create a new genre called Word-Horror. But before you question this new soon to be overused genre, let me state that Word-Horror has no relation to how hard it is to use bullets in Microsoft's Word Processing application (although it is terrifying). The premise is, that understanding the meaning of certain words and repeating them until you no longer understand, can spread a verbal-virus turning people into monsters akin to zombies. This is high concept shit and shouldn't be taken lightly. If this were a possibility, you could be eating your family for dinner just by reading this shitty review out loud.

Anyway, on to what your looking for in this review... There are no boats in this film despite it taking place in Canada, because we all know boats are fucking everywhere up there. Although, there is a line of dialog early in the movie that mentions boats. The main character states "Good, now we're both in the same boat" which is just as good as there actually being a boat.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)