Movie Review: Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity

Director: Oren Peli
Year: 2007
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Oral-B
Netflix Link: Paranormal Activity
Quote to Note: I feel it. I feel it breathing on me.

Review: If you are a dentist you will fucking love this movie. The girl, Katie, brushes her teeth at least a dozen times in this film. But never once does she floss, so I believe it may be a demon dentist that is menacing her because she refuses to floss. If she would've taken the time to floss or even use a water-pik her and her boyfriend would still be alive.

As for boats, they do not appear in this movie. If they did they would've been fucking awesome though.

Score:
(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Piranha 3-D

Piranha 3-D

Director: Alexandre Aja
Year: 2010
Genre: Comedy, Horror, Thriller, Porn
Notable Cast: Jerry O'Connell, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames
Netflix Link: Piranha 3-D
Quote to Note: "I think they took my penis!"

Review:  Did I just watch a bloody gruesome porno??  If so, FINALLY!


Lets combine my favorite movie genres.  Horror, comedy and porn, OH and 3-D only I could give two shits about the 3-D.  First and foremost, there are as many boats and tits in this movie as there are piranha.  Its spring break on piranha infested Lake Victoria.  basically the only thing the movie was missing was MTV.  Hell it even had Michael Strahan, I mean Paul Scheer.  Everything you could possibly put in a movie that is good, this had it, minus a good story.  Although if you cared about the story you would be better off playing bingo at your local alzheimers care home.  Only thing I didn't get to see in this movie was a time machine boat.  


Fucking watch this movie!




Score:

(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Undead

Undead

Director: The Spierig Brothers
Year: 2003
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Felicity Mason, Mungo McKay, Dirk Hunter, I'm not making this shit up
Netflix Link: Undead
Quote to Note: I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!

Review: 5 minutes and 50 seconds in to the movie we have an assortment of boats. A few sailboats, a schooner, and some assholes that can't seem to start their boat. It's Z-Day and they've brought the gore to a small fishing village in Australia. The brutality, arterial spray, and humor rank this movie in a category with Evil Dead and Dead Alive, but it has it's differences as well. Namely, aliens. Apparently extraterrestrial life cares about us since they send a number of spaceships to heal this village of the zombie infection. If only they would heal all derelicts stricken with HIV so hookers could be in play again. But I digress, and the movie boils down to these points of interest:

• A lot of people die
• A lot of people live
• Aliens are comfortable with their genitalia
• A fat man's ass isn't as hideous as some women
• Zombie fish get punched
• Rinse (literally) and repeat
• The writers of this film must've had about three different scripts (none of which made sense) so they decided to make one big movie

Score:
(5 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Haunting in Connecticut

The Haunting in Connecticut

Director: Peter Cornwell
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Virginia Madsen, Elias Koteas, Martin Donovan
Netflix Link: The Haunting in Connecticut
Quote to Note: Do you really want to know how many times we stopped so he could vomit?

Review: I know nothing about Connecticut. So little, that I decided to do some research.

Here is what I found out about Connecticut:

• It's the Nutmeg State
• Settled by the Dutch
• It has a temperate climate
• It is 19.3% Italian and 40% Protestant
• It has a 6% sales tax
• Produces an inordinate amount of eggs, clams, and tobacco
• The name comes from the Mohegan word quonehtacut meaning "place of long tidal river"

And here is what happens in this movie:

• Bloody Mopping
• Vomiting
• Eye Lid Removal via Scissors
• Maggot Meat
• A Feathered Hat
• Wall Scratching
• Map of Goatswood
• Not a single fucking boat

When comparing the above lists it is easy to see that the State of Connecticut is far more terrifying than this film. So, if you're feeling the need to watch a horror movie I would suggest seeing Mystic Pizza instead. A film that truly captures the horror of Connecticut.

Score:
(2 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Open Water

Open Water

Director: Chris Kentis
Year: 2003
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Notable Cast: Blanchard Ryan, Daniel Travis
Netflix Link: Open Water
Quote to Note: "I wanted to go skiing!"

Review:   The movie is called open water, now I know that your thinking to yourself right now that there HAD to have been boats in this movie.  Well guess what??  You were absolutely CORRECT! Fucking boats are everywhere, from little ones to medium sized ones, to big ones. (thats what she said) At one point on the screen I think I saw like 10 boats.  It was glorious.  


You get boats, tits, and sharks in this movie.  Thats basically a 15 hit combo in Street Fighter, or if you you prefer Mortal Kombat, a babality.  Best part, after i watched this one, I found out there is an Open Water 2.  My only request for when i watch that one is that they included more boats, and possibly more shark biting on film, i like gruesome movies.  That could be what held back this movie a bit. 


I definitely enjoyed the ending as well.  Damn sharks will eat anything.


Score:

(8 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Paranormal Entity

Paranormal Entity


Director: Shane Van Dyke
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Notable Cast: Shane Van Dyke, Erin Marie Hogan, Fia Perera
Netflix Link: Paranormal Entity
Quote to Note: Screaming

Review:   Now, let me get on record I'm a huge fan of these kinds of movies, handheld camera ones.  Its a lot like Paranormal Activity, except this one pretty much sucks.  Especially if you've seen Paranormal Activity.  There is some really fucking bad acting going on within the family.  Maybe why you shouldn't have the Director as the main character?  Best part was you never saw him.  He was holding the camera.  


I want to know why nobody decorated the house....or whoever did, they should be out of a job.  Lets get some god damn paintings up on those walls, or at least shelves of some sort.  These people must have had the least amount of assets in a family ever.  There was a fucking room in the house with a table, a picture of their dead father, and his ashes.  Thats it.  Shrine room to the guy that wanted to rape his own daughter?  Good Stuff.  That thing I couldn't get past was the iPhone that was the house phone, at least make the house phone a real cordless house phone, don't make me pretend your iPhone was the house phone, jailebroken or not, it cant do that.  This movie was lacking a ton of shit, too much really.  It did though have a hot chick with huge bologna nipples though, literally.  Deli meat.  


Too much camera cutting to scenes where nothing fucking happened and a lot of screaming.  Thats why there were no decent quotes, if you want a decent quote, go to the supermarket, walk up behind some lady pushing her cart full of groceries and grab her by the neck and whisper in her ear you want to see what her dirt box smells like and you got the written script for the movie. 


My favorite part is the warning on the cover.  Yea, WARNING, your about to get fooled into seeing your neighbors dog take a shit in your yard.  A lot of thought went into this pile of used diapers.  

Score:

(3 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: The Social Network

The Social Network

Director: David Fincher
Year: 2010
Genre: Drama
Notable Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Rooney Mara, Justin Timberlake
Netflix Link: The Social Network
Quote to Note: Did I adequately answer your condescending question?

Review: A glorious return of fantastical watercraft! We have been slacking with regards to boat content in films, but no longer. There are a ton of fucking boats in this film! Rob Lowe Oxford Blues style boats. Apparently, if you go to Harvard or Oxford, you are a rich douchebag who loves to fucking row boats. There is a slow motion scene of boat rowing, a fake boat where they practice rowing, and even a fucking regatta. There are so many boats I couldn't even fucking focus. It was glorious.

Extra points for Fincher's Fight Club easter egg. Tyler Durden appears in this movie...

Score:
(9 Nolte Heads out of 10)

Movie Review: Ravenous

Ravenous

Director: Antonia Bird
Year: 1999
Genre: Horror
Notable Cast: Guy Pearce, Robert Carlisle, Jeffrey Jones
Netflix Link: Ravenous
Quote to Note: You know, if you die first, I am definitely going to eat you.

Review: This is the second time I have watched Ravenous. The first was in 1999 when it was released. I had very fond memories of this film so I wanted to see if it was as fun as I remembered it being. Turns out it was. This is a devious little film filled with really evil moments, but tempered with the most ridiculous humor.

I don't really know how to explain this film besides it's about cannibalism. It has the strangest musical score and the weirdest cringe-worthy gore mixed with black comedy. It should be horrifying watching what unfolds, but it turns out to be just hilarious. If you like grown men licking someone else's wounds then this film is for you. If you like making stew out of your coworkers than this film is for you. If you like closeup shots of meat, well then this film is for you.

And to top it all off, it's also the only film I know of that David Arquette gets killed twice. His chest cavity also gets devoured. And for that it deserves even more love.

Score:
(7 Nolte Heads out of 10)